A bus load of nuns was travelling to see the Pope, and they had to make an overnight stop at a small inn on the way. The inn was nearly full, but there was enough room for the nuns if they went two to a room.
One couple had to share a double bed in a room. One of these two nuns turned to the other who was sharing with her and said, "Can I be frank with you? I'm a lesbian; I hope that doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable."
The other nun said back, "No - but if you're Frank tonight, can I be Frank tomorrow night?"
A bus load of nuns was travelling to see the Pope, and they had to make an overnight stop at a small inn on the way. The inn was nearly full, but there was enough room for the nuns if they went two to a room.
A recent survey conducted in America showed that 10% of the men after making love rolled over and smoked a cigarette, another 10% got up and washed themselves while the remaining 80% dressed up and went home.
Question : What do you have if you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
Answer : Not enough sand.
In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton," 86% replied, "Not again".
Once there was this woman who was very flat across the upper body. She went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. Every night she cried and prayed for them to get larger. After several days of this, during one praying session, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared before her. With some magic words of liffiday-loffiday, balsshac, etc, she announced that the woman's breasts will grow an inch each time somebody said, 'pardon' to her. Then with a flash and the smell of potent magic smoke, the fairy godmother left.
Of course, the lady wanted to try out her godmother's spell immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and seeing a passerby, purposely collided with him and she promptly fell to the ground.
"Oh, pardon me. I'm sorry, are you alright?" the passerby said. "No, I'm fine," she replied hurriedly as she felt some tingling sensations on her breasts. She ran back to her apartment and checked herself. True enough, her breasts had grown by an inch!
At work, the following morning, she contrived to bump into the manager and spilt her coffee into her lap. "Pardon me! ... ," the manager said. She quickly replied, "It's alright ..." and ran into the bathroom and gleefully examined her breasts. She was delighted!
That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. As she sat there, a clumsy waiter passed by, tripped and spilt some aromatic dishes on her table. He said, "Oooooff!!," and after catching his balance, he turned to the woman with profuse apologetic intentions and said, "A thousand pardons!!"
This is a story about a husband and wife who are waiting at a nearby bus stop with their nine children. Shortly afterwards, a blind man joins them and decides to wait for the bus as well. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded with passengers and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk to their intended destination. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is really driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
An Indian brave rode into town one early evening, kicking up a hail of dust behind him. Very quickly, he jumped down from his horse and rushed into the doctor's office.
"Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!" he blurted out in between panted breaths. The doctor calmed him down and handed him two tablets for his chief to take before bedtime. "He will be all right first thing tomorrow morning," the doctor assured the young brave.
The next evening, the same brave rode into town again with the same complaint, "Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!". This time the doctor gave him four tablets for his chief to take before bedtime.
And again, the same thing happened the following evening. The brave rushed into the doctor's office and yelled, "Big Chief, no shit!". This time, in exasperation, the doctor pushed the whole bottle of tablets to the brave and instructed that his chief take them at one go before bedtime.
Yet again, the following evening saw the same brave rushing into the doctor's office. "What now?". The doctor asked the brave. "Big shit, no Chief," the brave screamed.
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. After a couple of sips he looked up and saw a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He called the bartender over and said he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender said, "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian."
The man took a second, thought it over, shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's okay, I'd like to buy her a drink anyway."
So the bartender brought the woman her drink. The woman lifted her glass and gave our hero a nod of thanks. Encouraged, he got up from his bar stool and sauntered over to the woman. As he was sitting down on the stool next to her, he asked, "So, which part of Lesbia are you from?"
A nun ran back into the convent and in between panted breaths, she told the mother superior that she was accosted by a man in a dark alley.
"My dear child," the mother superior blurted out, "what did he do?"
"He dropped his trousers."
"Oh no!" exclaimed the mother superior.
"Oh, yes," said the nun.
"Then what happened?" the old mother superior wanted to know. "Then I pulled up my skirt."
"You didn't!" the mother superior was utterly shocked.
"I did just that," the nun said. Then she continued, "I figured I could run faster with my skirt up than he could with his trousers down.
A golfer was playing a round of golf when he came across a bottle. When he touched the bottle a genie appeared and offered him one of two choices. He could either become the world's greatest golfer or the world's greatest lover. He picked to be the world's greatest golfer.
The golfer went on to shoot a round in the low 50's. When he finished the genie asked, "It's really none of my business, but why did you pick golf over sex?"
The golfer replied, "I do pretty well with the ladies, but I never was much of a golfer". The genie continued, "Well, just out of curiosity, how often do you have sex?" The golfer replied, "Oh, I guess once or twice a month".
Somewhat surprised the genie said, "That doesn't sound like the world's greatest lover".
The golfer replied, "Maybe not, but it's not bad for a priest in a small town".
Here are two letters sent by both the Husband and then followed by the Wife on its reply, extremely witty, and definitely gets the message across ... read on.
Husband writes this letter to his wife :
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses ...
You are my sweetheart.
After a few days the Wife replies to the letter :
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1) The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2) The Electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3) Your house owner is coming everyday and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4) Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ...
5) Other expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!
Your Sweet Heart.
A man had a blown tyre next to an asylum. While changing the tyre, he noticed a patient leaning over the wall looking at what he was doing with keen interest. Before he could replace the wheel, he realised that all four screws had rolled down the slope, dropped into the drain and could not be retrieved.
While pondering what to do, the patient suggested that he took out one screw from each of the other wheels to fix on the last wheel. In this way he would be able to drive to the nearest gas station to have his problems fixed.
The man was naturally impressed and complimented the patient for his wise suggestion. The patient replied, "It's nothing, actually. You see, I may be mad, but I am not stupid!"
A young man was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
On their 40th Wedding Anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Mike was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Mike, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Mike responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness .... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines, "It's this Viagra," he says, "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made bean soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or, how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again, he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger for supper. "Or, would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes." Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's the Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'M STARVING!"
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Thanks to Nihal, he sent me this really funny joke about the benefits of Viagra ... now, this is really helpful. LOL :))
Mike visited his elderly father at the hospital and there he heard rumours that the old patients were given Viagra. He approached the nurse and asked if it was true, and if so, what was the rational for this unorthodox treatment.
The nurse said that the patients were given hot chocolate and, yes, Viagra, before they went to bed. She explained, "The hot chocolate makes them sleep better and the Viagra stops them from falling off the beds."
This full-blooded pirate with a peg-leg, hook and eye-patch, wobbly stepped into the bar and ordered a round of whisky. Inquisitive and admiring customers at the bar soon gathered around him.
One of the men asked, "How did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replied, "We were caught in a fierce storm and I was thrown overboard. Just as they were pulling me out, a shark appeared and bit me leg off." "Oh gosh!" another said.
"What about the hook?" "Ah ...," the pirate said, "We were boarding a trading ship ... pistols were blasting and swords were swaying this way and that ... In the fracas me hand got lobbed off." "Zounds!" the next guy said.
"And how come you wear the eye patch?" The pirate answered, "A seagull dropping fell on my eye." "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping??" some men asked incredulously.
"Well ..." said the pirate, "... it was me first day with the hook."
Two men were waiting for the heaven's gate to open. "How did you die?" one man asked the other. "From Freezing," the other man answered.
"How did it feel?" the first man wanted to know, "At first it was quite bad; I felt my whole body go numb and crack but soon it kind of wear off. Then I felt a sensation of peacefulness and the whole thing became an almost enjoyable experience. Anyway, come to think of it, how did you die?"
"From a heart attack. I suspected that my wife was cheating on me. Hoping to catch that sneaky man, I came home early one day unannounced and rushed into the bedroom, taking three and four steps at a time. I couldn't find him, so I ran down the stairs straight into the basement. I couldn't find him there either. Then I rushed up the stairs again to the attic. My weak heart couldn't take all these and I collapsed."
The other man then said, "If you had stopped to look in the freezer, we'd still be alive."
There was this boy whose father had just bought a new Mercedes. His father told him he could not get to drive the car unless he improved his grades in school, study the bible and had his hair cut.
A month passed and the father told him, "I'm rather proud of you. You have improved your grades and even your knowledge of the bible is now quite good. But there's one thing and that is, your hair is still long ..."
The boy protested, "But Adam had long hair, and so did Moses. Come to think of it, Jesus had long hair, too."
His father replied, "But they walked."
A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.
He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?"
The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?"
One day a lion in a forest caught a small rabbit and threatened to eat it up unless he can tell him who was the King of the Forest. "You, oh mighty lion, are king of the forest." said the rabbit. The lion gave a nod of approval and let the rabbit go. The next day, the lion caught a deer and demanded, "Tell me, who is the king of the forest?" The deer replied, "Why, of course, you are. Everyone knows that." The lion was happy with the answer and let the deer go.
On the following day, the lion caught an elephant and demanded, "Tell me, who is king of the forest?" Without saying a word, the elephant caught hold of the lion by the tail, swung it over his head a few times and slammed him against a tree. Dazed and slowly brushing the dust from his body, the lion told the elephant, "Now ... there is no reason for you to get rough just because you don't know the answer!"
During a recent world series, a man noticed that there was a vacant seat next to the man beside him. He commented that it was unbelievable that someone would spend so much on a ticket and not turn up for the match.
The man next to him said that it was for his wife. They had bought the tickets months in advance but unfortunately she died and could not make it. "Why didn't you give the ticket to your family member or a friend?" the man asked.
"Can't do that," the other man said. "Why not?" the first man wanted to know.
"They're at the funeral," came the reply.
A cowboy was traveling with two Indians in a desert in Nevada. Then there was a sound of WOOO ... coming from a cave in the mountains. One of the Indians turned and rode towards the cave at full gallop. At the entrance of the cave, he quickly took off all his clothes and went straight into the cave. The cowboy was surprised at this behaviour and looked at the other Indian for an explanation. He told the cowboy that what he saw was an enactment of their local custom. It's called the mating game. The Indian brave who heard the call would head for the cave where an Indian maiden would be waiting.
A while later there was another sound of WOOO coming from a cave further down the mountain. The other Indian then rode towards the cave, quickly took off all his clothes and went straight into the cave.
The cowboy, now alone, rode on. After some time, there came again the sound WOOO ... from a cave. He looked around and, seeing no other Indians within sight, quickly rode towards the cave. At the entrance he hastily discarded all his clothing and ran into the cave.
The next day, the headline on the front page of the local newspaper read, "Naked man run over by freight train."
A circus owner advertised for a lion tamer but only two people applied, one a shapely lady and the other a young man. The circus owner warned them that the lion was very ferocious and had just eaten the last tamer. Both the applicants answered that they were not afraid and would like to have a go at it.
The lady chose to go first. Walking towards the lion's cage, she ignored the chair, the whip and the pistol the owner had provided them. She bravely entered the cage.
The lion immediately charged at her, growling and snarling and showing its teeth in threatening fashion. However, it stopped short of attacking. And then, surprisingly, it gave out a kittenish purr and snuggled close to the lady. First, pressing against the lady's face it gradually began kissing and licking all over her. After a while, it dropped on its hind legs and slumped down and rested against the thighs of the lady. The owner was utterly taken in. He turned to the young man and said, "Can you top that?"
"Sure," replied the young man. "Just get the lion out of the way."
This guy was stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he saw a speck in the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck got a little closer and he thought, "It's not a boat." The speck got even closer and he thought, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
The woman came up to the guy and said, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" He said, "Ten Years!" She reached over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He took one, lighted it, took a long drag, and said, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whisky?" He replied, "Ten Years!" She reached over, unzipped her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. He took a long swig and said, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she started unzipping this long zipper that ran down the front of her wet suit and she said to him, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" And the man replied, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Shawn and Mabel get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Shawn's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Mark, Shawn's little brother gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Shawn and Mabel are up yet. She replies, "No." Mark asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Mark comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Shawn and Mabel up yet?" She replies, "No." Mark says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Mark comes home and asks again, "Are Shawn and Mabel up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"
He says, "Last night Shawn came to my room for the Vaseline and I think ... I gave him my airplane glue ..."
This robber from across the border robbed a bank in Texas. He managed to evade arrest for a while but eventually the sheriff spotted him in a bar and caught him.
He brought in the robber for questioning and demanded that he tell the truth, "Where did you hide the loot?" Unfortunately, the robber couldn't answer as he could only speak in Spanish, so the sheriff asked the only lawyer in town, who happened to speak Spanish, to translate his question.
The frightened robber blurted out in Spanish that he buried the money under a tree in the churchyard. The sheriff turned to the lawyer and asked, "What did he say?"
The lawyer answered, "He said that you are a crooked bum law-keeper who cannot shoot a bull three feet away."
This five year old girl came home from kindergarten one day with a 'connect-the-dot' project she had just completed. Her mother admired her work and, after praising her, sent her to play with her three year old sister in the living room. Some time later, the mother decided the girls were too quiet and went to investigate.
She found the two girls on the floor with the family pet. They were using marker pens to connect the dots on their Dalmatian!
A judge told the man in front of him : "It's alcohol, and alcohol alone that's responsible for your condition."
He answered : "You've made me a very happy person. Everyone tells me it's all my fault."
A monkey in a deep jungle looked at the explorer and said to the monkey beside him, "To heck with the Darwin theory - they're not going to make a man out of me."
Two blondes decided to rob a bank and sat down to draw up an elaborate plan for the heist. They practised the routine many times in their heads. Then the big day came.
One blonde sat waiting in the car while the other went into the bank. Five minutes, ten minutes and then half an hour passed. She was not supposed to take that long inside the bank.
After what seemed like ages she finally came running out with the safe tied securely with a rope. Moments later, the door of the bank swung open and out came the security guard, clumsily blasting away with his pump gun because his trousers were down to the floor!
As they fled away in their car, one blonde said to the other, "You idiot! You're supposed to tie up the security guard and blow the safe."
A Japanese tourist got in a cab and told the driver to drive him to the airport. On their way, a car zoomed by and the Japanese went, "Aaah, Toyota, made in Japan, very faaast!" And then, another car zoomed by and the Japanese went, "Aaah, Nissan, made in Japan, very faaast!" And then, another car zooms by and again the Japanese lets out, "Aaah Mitsubishi, made in Japan, very faaast!"
By this time, the cabby was getting tired of his passenger's nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the airport, the cabby tells his passenger, "$130 please."
The Japanese went, "$130? It's not that far from the hotel!"
The cabby replied, "Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan, very faaast!"
A drunk walked into the bar and casually said to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender did just that and handed the man a bill for $39.90. The drunk said, "I haven't got the money." The bartender slapped the guy a few times then threw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walked into the bar and once again said, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looked at the guy and figured to himself that he could not possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gave him the benefit of the doubt, poured a round of drinks for the house, had a drink himself and handed the drunk a bill for $36.00. The drunk said, "I haven't got the money." The bartender could not believe it, so he picked the guy up, beat the living daylights out of him, then threw him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walked back into the same bar and said, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust the bartender said, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replied, "No, you get violent when you drink."
A man complained to his friend that he did not know what to get his wife for her birthday. "She already has everything you could think of, and anyway, she can buy herself whatever she likes."
"Here's an idea," said his friend. "Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she will be enchanted."
The next day, the friend asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes," answered the man.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes!" the man answered. "She jumped up, kissed me on the forehead and ran out of the door, yelling, 'See you in thirty minutes!' ..."
A professor was explaining the Metaphysics of Morals : "In order for something to be an object of our practical existence, it must be capable of moving us to try to bring it into existence. For example, if I desire shelter from rain, the concept of a lean-to is capable of moving me to cut branches, tie them together, and set them at an angle to the ground."
Someone from the back of the class added : "Or you could buy an umbrella."
A man who went to Church with his wife, always had a habit of falling asleep during a sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and on one Sunday, took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th .." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God All Mighty!"
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. He later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins ..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
The minister said, "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child," the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off."
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was frequently disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelons patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read : 'Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.' The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign.
When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read : 'Now there are two!!'
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist : "Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me." The pharmacist gives him the condom.
As the young man is going out, he returns and tells him : "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she needs me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom.
As the boy is leaving he turns back and says : "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's Mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions ... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me as well!!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister facing him and the mom on his right.
When dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying : "Dear Lord, bless this dinner ... thank you for all you give us ... !!!" A minute later the boy is still praying : "Thank you Lord for your kindness ..." Ten minutes, and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.
She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ears : "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"
And the boy replies back to his girlfriend : "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist!!!"
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into the wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!!"
At a recent women's annual convention, a lady went on stage to relate her experience. "After the last convention, I went back and told my husband I wasn't going to do the cooking anymore. On the first day, nothing happened. Even on the second day, nothing happened. But then on the third day, my husband prepared the most delicious dinner I'd had in years." There was approving applause from the listeners.
The next lady went on stage. "After the last convention, I went back and told my husband I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. On the first day, nothing happened. On the second day, nothing happened either. Then on the third day, my husband not only washed his own clothes but mine too." The applause from the listeners was long and loud.
Now, a third lady went on stage to share her experience. "After the last convention, I went back and told my husband I wasn't going to do the washing-up anymore. On the first day, nothing happened. On the second day, nothing happened. Then on the third day, I could see a bit through my left eye."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
Then the man asked the lady why she was not eating. "It's his turn with the false teeth," she said.
A couple, getting ready to go to the theater, was shocked to find that their new Mercedes had been stolen from the garage. They went to the police station to lodge a report but when they returned home they were surprised to find the car parked in front of the house with a note : "My wife was in labour with our first child and I had to take your car." Also attached were two tickets for the show. The couple was touched and forgave the incident.
Then when they came back from the show at the theater, they found their house ransacked. There was a note : "I have to support my son through college haven't I?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Dorothy! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Dorothy turned to her and said, "Oh, I thought you were driving!"
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out there was damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him ad said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a lady a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the other corner.
An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep. A few moments later she said : "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said : "Then you used to bite me on my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
He answered, "To get my teeth!"
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her, how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river to drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Three women were having lunch and discussing their husbands. The first said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.
A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife, "Jane, pack your things. I just won the lottery!" Jane replied, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responded, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
Hear about the blonde with the AM radio? It took her a month to realize that she could play it at night.
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It then started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom .." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that she could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!!"
Two cannibals, a father and son, were out to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed even the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother instead."
An Irishman had been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally said that the bar was closed. So he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He figured he would crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face.
So he crawled home and at the door stood up and fell flat yet again, on his face. He crawled through the door and up the stairs. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he fell right into bed and was soon sound asleep. He awoken the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asked.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again!"
How many of you out there have watched British comedian, Catherine Tate in action? Well, if you haven't or even if you've missed out on her first video featured here at The Joke Blog some months back, no worries, cause we're here to introduce her back again for the second time around to our blog readers. I for one, am an ardent fan of hers and would gladly pay any amount just to watch her perform live on stage. Popular for her tag-line "I ain't boVVered", Catherine surely makes any new viewer of her shows an instant follower.
This particular video we're featuring today is about Catherine Tate, acting as 'Lauren', sitting for a French oral test in her class.
A man was badly constipated so he went to a doctor to try to alleviate his problem. The doctor prescribed suppositories to be administered once every four hours. When he got home, he quickly took a suppository, swallowing it down with a glass of water. After four hours, nothing happened, so he swallowed another one.
After several days, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor, complaining that the treatment was not doing him any good.
The doctor, in jest, asked, "You must have been swallowing them?"
The man replied, sarcastically, "No, I shove them up my ass!!"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the "statue". Later that night after they had gone to sleep, around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor. So, he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky, and two worms. "Now class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sat in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling," she replied. And so they had sex.
Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and said, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responded sympathetically and agreed to have sex.
Another 8 hours passed, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she was getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.
After they finished she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and said, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turned to him with a grimaced look on her face and said, "You know ... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back into the bar and ordered three more. The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admitted that was a nice custom, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar and always drank the same way: he ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars in the bar noticed and fell silent, as they figured that one of his brothers had passed away. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no," he said, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
A Texan farmer went to Australia for a vacation. There he met an Australian farmer and got talking to him. The Australian farmer showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walked around the ranch a little, and the Australian showed off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately said, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cattle."
The conversation had, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked the Australian farmer, "And what are those?"
The Australian farmer replied with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas, mate?"
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it, a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgement day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."
"Do you know what the letter said?"
"No?" ..... "You didn't get one either, huh?"
Husband : "Shall we change positions tonight?"
Wife : "Well, of course. You can cook and wash the dishes, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."
This blonde's house caught fire. She called the fire department and said, "Help Me, Help Me, my house is on fire."
The fireman said, "How do I get there?"
The blonde said, "DUHHH with the big red truck of course."
Why did God give nipples to women?
To make suckers out of man ...
President Clinton was out jogging one day, when he encountered a man with some puppies. Clinton asked the man what kind of puppies they were, and the man responded, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."
Clinton thought that was so great that the next day he brought the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asked the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they were, and the man responded, "They're Republican puppies."
The president looked puzzled and said, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies."
The man smiled and said, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"
Thank you for visiting The Joke Blog.
My name is Yasmin. Here at The Joke Blog we attract a large number of, affluent, educated audience of jokers :)
We do welcome your comments about our blog, as they would help us in identifying new areas of interest for future content.
So if you have a joke to tell us, first hand experience, information or even photos, about an incredibly funny story that's not already here? Or maybe just to pen-down your thoughts about our blog. Feel free to do so by sending us a note either through an e-mail, or by using the contact form below.
There was this tribe and one of the tribesmen had committed a crime and death was the punishment. He went up to the leader of the tribe and said, "Look, I don't want to die, I'm young and I really have things going good before this. Is there anything I can do?"
The tribe leader replied, "Well, yeah, there is the three-hut test if you want to take it. If you pass, you won't be put to death." So the guy eagerly said, "Sure, I'll do it. What do I have to do?"
The leader replied, "There are 3 huts. In the first hut there is enough grog for an entire crew of a ship that would last for a week. If you go in there and drink all of it in 24 hours and come out alive you can go on to the second hut. In the second hut there is a lion that has an abysses on his tooth. It needs to be removed. If you can go in there and come out with the tooth you can go on to the last hut. In the last hut there is a woman who has never been satisfied in sex, if you can go in there and satisfy her, you will be free."
So the guy thought, "Yeah, I may as well; I don't have anything to lose." He went into the first hut and emerged a couple of hours pissed off his brain and staggered off, totally drunk, to the next hut. At the the next hut they all heard a lot of screaming and blood was flying out and shredded clothes were thrown everywhere.
When he finally came out everyone was shocked, he was still alive. He drunkenly asked them, "So, where's that sheila who needs the tooth pulled?"
A bloke walks into a nearby bar and after awhile decides to go to the john and sees a black man having a piss. He looks at his tackle and says, "Bugger me, look at the size of that knob, how'd you get a knob that big?"
"Well," says the black man, "I come from Africa and in my tribe it is a custom to tie a rock onto a piece of string and then tie a rock onto your knob, the bigger the knob, the greater your status in the tribe".
"Wow!" the bloke said, and away he goes.
A few weeks later he goes to the same bar, and in the john is the black guy again, "Hi there," he says, "I'm taking your advice and I've tied a brick to my knob to make it bigger".
"Oh" says the black man "Is it working?".
"Well," says the bloke, "It's starting to turn black!"
A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.
A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"
"For how much?" asks the man.
"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.
"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.
The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker.
She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA! See what you get for five bucks?"
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again, as the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.
It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business!
There's this pair of really bad guys. They have been pals their whole lives and together they have done some pretty rotten things. One night they're riding in a stolen convertible, when, all of a sudden, they cross paths with an eighteen-wheeler. One of them is killed instantly. The other hangs on for a few days but finally gives up to the ghost.
He arrives in the hereafter and sees his buddy already surrounded by bottles of wine and beautiful women. Stunned but very happy, the second guy wanders over to his friend who's sitting in a big easy chair watching the babes stroll by and says, "Man, this is great! Did ya ever think we'd get into heaven?"
His friend looks at him and sighs wearily, "This ain't Heaven."
The second guy says, "What d'ya mean, 'This ain't Heaven'? Look at all this wine. Look at all these women."
His friend says, "You see the wine bottles everywhere? They all have holes at the bottom." He pauses to let this sink in, then he says, "And you see all these beautiful women? Well ... they don't."
Here's a a list of some really funny reasons why alcohol should be served at work, 26 to be exact. Feel free to add in your own "creative" reasons to the list, and I'm pretty sure there's lots more. So guy's ... it's time to get your drinks and put on your thinking caps on ... or more precisely, off ...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It reduces stress.
6. It cuts down on time off because you are willing to work with a hangover.
7. It encourages car pooling.
8. It helps save on heating costs during winter.
9. Increase job satisfaction, because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It makes your fellow employees look better.
11. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
12. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
13. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked!
14. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. It makes the cafeteria food taste much better.
17. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
18. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
19. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
20. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
21. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk only during their lunch break.
22. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross".
23. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be a common language.
24. Everyone suddenly becomes an expert in politics.
25. Everyone agrees work is better after a couple of drinks.
And finally, the most special reason is :
26. Employees start speaking fluent English!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Some people say, the story of marriage is passe (no longer fashionable, out-of-date, etc), as some countries even see an astounding 60% of them end only in divorce. Maybe it's because most couples nowadays are just too busy trying to make ends meet, and not long after, find both their worlds comes crashing down.
Good communication skills are vital in determining a happy marriage life together! (But you people know me better ...... "life need not always be that serious!" right?) Always add laughter into your lives, and surely no obstacle would be too hard to overcome :)
Take this for example :
- He : Yes at last. It was so hard to wait.
- She : Do you want me to leave?
- He : No! Don't even think about it.
- She : Do you love me?
- He : Of course! Over and over!
- She : Have you ever cheated on me?
- He : No! Why are you even asking?
- She : Will you kiss me?
- He : Every chance I get.
- She : Will you hit me?
- He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
- She : Can I trust you?
- He : Yes.
- She : Darling!
- Simply read from bottom to top.
A beautiful princess from a European country visited a small African nation on a sightseeing tour. The King, during a dinner in the princess' honour, out of the blue asked her to marry him. Naturally, the princess was quite taken aback. However, not wanting to cause a diplomatic ripple, she did not reject the king outright. So, she tried to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the princess said to the king, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want you to buy me a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king paused for a while. Then, he nodded his head and said, "No problem! I buy, I buy."
Realizing her first condition was too easy, the princess said to the king, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king paused for a while. He took out his cellular phone and called some brokers in New York and in France. He looked at the princess, nodded his head and said, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she only had one last condition, the princess knew that she had better make this a good one. She took her time to think and finally she got an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squinted her eyes, looked at the king and said, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The king seemed a bit disturbed. He cupped his face with his hands and rested his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king rather sadly shook his head and said to the princess, "Okay, Okay. I cut, I cut."
A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch please." The bartender hands him the drink and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the man replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was surely not impressed by this, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" To which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
The man replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was an older man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young girl in the back seat calmly chewing bubble gum. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's chewing bubble gum."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you?"
"I'm forty-five," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
A smart Chinese guy arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and made love. When finished, the man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep dive under the bed, climbs out on the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.
When finished, the Chinese guy runs over to the window, takes a deep dive under the bed, climbs out on the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.
During the fifth encore, she decided to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, ...... and finds four Chinese men!
An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"
The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."
Later that night, out of concern, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"
"Fabulous." the old man said. "I've cum three times already, but my hand hurts like mad and my willy is all orange."
"That's great," the doctor said, "The hooker must be astounded. But why would your hand hurt and your willy be orange?"
There was a pause and then the doctor heard the old man say, "The hooker called to say that she couldn't come ...... and I have been spending the whole night watching adult video and eating Cheezels."
We're back with Part II as we journey the net to capture the funny side of 'Call Centers' and we take off from where we left off - Part I, actual Call Center conversations !
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!) :
Operator : 'Mark Spencer, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller : 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator : 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller : 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away'
Operator : 'Went away?'
Caller : 'They disappeared.'
Operator : 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller : 'Nothing.'
Operator : 'Nothing??'
Caller : 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator : 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller : 'How do I tell?'
Operator : 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller : 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator : 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller : 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator : 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller : 'What's a monitor?'
Operator : 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller : 'I don't know.'
Operator : 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller : 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator : 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller : 'Yes, it is.'
Operator : 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller : 'No.'
Operator : 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller : 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator : 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller : 'I can't reach.'
Operator : 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller : 'No.'
Operator : 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller : 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator : 'Dark??'
Caller : 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator : 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller : 'I can't.'
Operator : 'No? Why not??'
Caller : 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator : 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator : 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller : 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator : 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller : 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator : 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
Believe it or not, these are actual Call Center conversations recorded from various companies. I found them really amusing and thought it would be fun to share them with my readers as well.
Customer : "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator : "Where did you get that number from, Sir?"
Customer : "It was on the door to the Travel Center"
Operator : "Sir, they are our opening hours."
An Electronics Company
Caller : "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator : "I'm sorry, Sir, I don't understand who you're talking about."
Caller : "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator : "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."
A Motoring Service
Caller : "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator : "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France) : "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Caller : "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please."
Operator : "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller : "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was a caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller : "Yes. That's what it says in the label, 'Woven in Scotland'."
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator : "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
Technical Support Center
Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer : "OK."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "OK, right-click again, do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "OK Sir. Can you tell me what you have done, up until this point?"
Customer : "Sure. You told me to 'write' click and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support : "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller : "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have my file back again?"
So now, don't forget to join us for Part II, as take on the funny world of Call Centers :)
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next, when his telephone rang ...
"Hallo Mr Bush!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from Phagwara District, Kapurthala, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Gurmukh," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Harjit, and the whole kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight of us."
Bush paused. "I must tell you Gurmukh, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Arrey O, main kya ... ," said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again. "Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to get more infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh," Bush asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Harjit's tractor."
Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 17,000 tanks and 20,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million, since we last spoke."
"Oh teri ..." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne ... We've modified Harjit's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have also joined us as ..."
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 15,000 bombers and 28,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded with laser equipment as well as surface-to-air-missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Tera pala hove ..." said Gurmukh, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day. "Kiddan, Mr. Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart, may I ask?"
"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"
A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. "Evening, boys. What are you doing?"
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all."
The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Pastor!"
Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one afternoon, feeding the birds, when a big burly guy walked up, and sat down beside them on the bench. After a minute, one of the old lady's whispered to the other.
"Linda, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!"
"Oh my lord! Well, let's just leave, Jane," her friend replied with disgust.
"I can't," said the other. "He's using my hand."
Two executives, Mark and Harry, staggered out of their company's holiday party in New York City. Harry crossed the street, while Mark stumbled into a subway entrance. When Harry reached the other side, he noticed Mark emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where've you been?" Harry slurred.
"I don't know," replied Mark, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what is wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what? 'So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'."
"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
This gentleman was barely sitting down in the lavatory when he heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
He was not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's room at a rest stop but, something seemed to have got into him, so he answers, somewhat embarrassedly : "Not bad!"
And the other guy said, "So, what's up with you?" What a question, the gentleman thought, but at that point, he was thinking this was too bizarre so he answered back, "I'm like you, just travelling east!"
Then the guy said nervously, "Listen! I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook, Jane, happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man," he says. "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you," the owner replies. "I'll go get you a dirty fork." He again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Jane, rub this fork around your panties before I take it to the blind man." Jane complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know Jane worked here?"
This guy at the watch mast of a pirate ship yelled excitedly, "Captain, a British battleship is coming our way!" The captain shouted at the cabin boy to bring him his red shirt, while at the same time mobilizing his men into fighting position. The fight was brief and the British battleship was repelled.
A week later, the man at the watch mast yelled excitedly, "Captain, two British battleships are coming our way!" so the captain told the cabin boy to bring him his red shirt. The cabin boy asked, "Why do you have me bring you your red shirt before each battle?" The captain said, "So that when I get stabbed the men won't see me bleeding and stop fighting." The cabin boy said, "Good idea." So they won the battle.
A month later the guy in the watch mast yelled, "Ten British battleships are coming our way!" The cabin boy said, "Red shirt again, captain?" The captain said, "No, brown pants this time."
Mabeline, an elderly lady in a retirement home, was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the corners at maximum speed, pretending she was driving a Ferrari. The other residents tolerated her, and some actually joined in!
One day, Mabeline was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a male resident stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Mabeline fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "OK" he said and she went on her way.
After taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and yelled, "Stop! Have you got a valid road tax for your vehicle, madam?" Mabeline dug into her handbag again and pulled out an old supermarket receipt which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.
Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third resident stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizable erection in his hand. "Oh No," said Mabeline, "...not the breathalyzer again!"