A recent survey conducted in America showed that 10% of the men after making love rolled over and smoked a cigarette, another 10% got up and washed themselves while the remaining 80% dressed up and went home.

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Question : What do you have if you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

Answer : Not enough sand.

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In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton," 86% replied, "Not again".

This robber from across the border robbed a bank in Texas. He managed to evade arrest for a while but eventually the sheriff spotted him in a bar and caught him.

He brought in the robber for questioning and demanded that he tell the truth, "Where did you hide the loot?" Unfortunately, the robber couldn't answer as he could only speak in Spanish, so the sheriff asked the only lawyer in town, who happened to speak Spanish, to translate his question.

The frightened robber blurted out in Spanish that he buried the money under a tree in the churchyard. The sheriff turned to the lawyer and asked, "What did he say?"

The lawyer answered, "He said that you are a crooked bum law-keeper who cannot shoot a bull three feet away."

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch please." The bartender hands him the drink and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the man replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was surely not impressed by this, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" To which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

The man replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers he saw walking along the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer, he swerved to hit him, waited to hear a loud "THUMP" and swerved back to the road. One day, as the truck driver was tooling along, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

He asked, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. The trucker saw a lawyer walking along and instinctively swerved to hit him. But remembering there was a priest in the truck, he swerved back onto the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he heard a loud "THUD" and glanced in the rear-view mirror to see the lawyer laying alongside the road.

He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I swerved and thought I missed that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense : "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.

Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"

The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

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"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their head and ass are interchangeable!!"

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there, he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"

The cowboy replied, "See them thar' sheep up on that hill. We just go get us one."

"That is disgusting and barbaric!" replied the lawyer.

After about three months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with!!"

Three women, a Japanese, a Korean and a Black woman were stranded after an airplane crash. The Japanese woman started gathering all of the clothes saying, "When they come to rescue us, they will take the best looking and dressed one."

The Korean woman started going for all the money and jewels saying, "When they come to rescue us, they will take the wealthiest one."

Then the Black woman started removing all of her clothes until she was stark naked saying, "When they come, they will look for the black box first!"

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A man was in a hotel lobby. He wanted to ask the clerk a question. As he turned to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumped into a woman beside him. As he did so, his elbow touched her breast. They were both quite startled.

The man turned to her and said, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replied, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 453!"


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An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."

"So, who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply.

"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."

Excerpts taken from court proceedings that I thought was really silly and funny too. These are actually things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q : Are you sexually active?
A : No, I just lie there!

Q : What is your date of birth?
A : July 15th.
Q : What year?
A : Every year!

Q : What gear were you in, at the moment of impact?
A : Gucci sweats and Reebok!

Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it effect your memory at all?
A : Yes.
Q : And in what ways does it effect your memory?
A : I forget!
Q : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten???

Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?
A : Thirty-three or thirty-six, I can't remember which.
Q : How long has he lived with you?
A : Forty-three years.

Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A : He said, "Where am I, Christy?"
Q : And why did that upset you?
A : My name is Evon!

Q : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A : We both do.
Q : Voodoo?
A : We do.
Q : You do?
A : Yes, Voodoo.

Q : Now Doctor, isn't it true when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q : Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q : So, the date of your conception of your baby was July 9th?
A : Yes.
Q : And what were you doing at that time?

Q : She had three children right?
A : Yes.
Q : How many were boys?
A : None.
Q : Were there any girls?

Q : How was your first marriage terminated?
A : By death.
Q : And by whose death was it terminated?

Q : Can you describe the individual?
A : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male or female?

Q : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A : No, this is how I dress when I go to work!

Q : Doctor, how many autopsies have you done on dead people?
A : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q : ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A : Oral!

Q : Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A : The autopsy started around 7:30 pm
Q : And Mr Wellington was dead at that time?
A : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A : No.
Q : Did you check for blood pressure?
A : No.
Q : Did you check for breathing?
A : No.
Q : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A : No.
Q : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!

A priest went to a barber shop to have his hair cut. When he took out his wallet to pay the barber, the barber refused to accept the money, saying, "You are a good man; you do the work of God. I cannot accept your money." The next morning, when he opened his shop and there on the steps were twelve copies of the bible, compliments from the priest.

Later in the day, a policeman came in to have his hair cut. The barber refused to accept payment, saying, "You are a good man; you uphold the law and make our streets safe. I cannot accept your money." The next morning, when he opened his shop and there on the steps were twelve doughnuts, compliments from the policeman.

Later in the day, a lawyer came in to have his hair cut. The barber refused to accept payment, saying, "You are a good man; you see that our judicial system runs smoothly. I cannot accept your payment." The next morning, the barber opened his shop and found .... twelve lawyer's waiting in line !!