Sherlock Holmes and his pal Dr. Watson were out camping one night. Sherlock turned to Watson and asked, "What do you see?"

Watson answered, "I see millions and millions of stars in the sky."

Holmes said, "Yes, but what does it tell you?"

"Well, I can see Uranus is in Leo. From the position of the Hunter Cluster, I can deduce that the time now is about a quarter to two. Also, I can see that God is all powerful and we are small and insignificant in a limitless universe. And yes, the weather will be fine tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

"You dumb-head," Sherlock said, "someone has stolen our tent."

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Overheard at a party : "My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about sex. My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ...... Oh God, I miss him!!"

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Patient : Doctor, as soon as I fall asleep I start snoring.
Doctor : Is your snoring loud?
Patient : Yes, very.
Doctor : And does it bother your wife?
Patient : I'm not married.
Doctor : So you sleep alone? Then I guess it's not a problem.
Patient : Not a problem? I've been fired from five jobs because of it.

An Indian brave rode into town one early evening, kicking up a hail of dust behind him. Very quickly, he jumped down from his horse and rushed into the doctor's office.

"Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!" he blurted out in between panted breaths. The doctor calmed him down and handed him two tablets for his chief to take before bedtime. "He will be all right first thing tomorrow morning," the doctor assured the young brave.

The next evening, the same brave rode into town again with the same complaint, "Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!". This time the doctor gave him four tablets for his chief to take before bedtime.

And again, the same thing happened the following evening. The brave rushed into the doctor's office and yelled, "Big Chief, no shit!". This time, in exasperation, the doctor pushed the whole bottle of tablets to the brave and instructed that his chief take them at one go before bedtime.

Yet again, the following evening saw the same brave rushing into the doctor's office. "What now?". The doctor asked the brave. "Big shit, no Chief," the brave screamed.

A man was badly constipated so he went to a doctor to try to alleviate his problem. The doctor prescribed suppositories to be administered once every four hours. When he got home, he quickly took a suppository, swallowing it down with a glass of water. After four hours, nothing happened, so he swallowed another one.

After several days, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor, complaining that the treatment was not doing him any good.

The doctor, in jest, asked, "You must have been swallowing them?"

The man replied, sarcastically, "No, I shove them up my ass!!"

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling," she replied. And so they had sex.

Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and said, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responded sympathetically and agreed to have sex.

Another 8 hours passed, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she was getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.

After they finished she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and said, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turned to him with a grimaced look on her face and said, "You know ... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again, as the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of concern, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous." the old man said. "I've cum three times already, but my hand hurts like mad and my willy is all orange."

"That's great," the doctor said, "The hooker must be astounded. But why would your hand hurt and your willy be orange?"

There was a pause and then the doctor heard the old man say, "The hooker called to say that she couldn't come ...... and I have been spending the whole night watching adult video and eating Cheezels."

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what is wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what? 'So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'."

"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

Melinda was a 92 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Greg. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Greg's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Melinda was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee!

A guy went in to see a psychiatrist to get an evaluation of his problem. The doctor began simply, by saying he would draw a picture on a piece of paper and the patient was supposed to tell him the first thing that came to his mind.

The patient said he understood the instructions and the doctor began by drawing a picture of a tree. The man looked at the picture and said, "Sex."

The doctor said, "Okay," and then drew a picture of a house. The guy looked again and said, "Sex."

This went on the same way with the doctor drawing pictures of a bike, a bird, and a car. The answer was always "Sex, sex, sex."

The doctor paused and said to the man, "I think I know what your problem is, you are obsessed with sex!"

And the patient replied, "Me?...... You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!!"

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their head and ass are interchangeable!!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the woman aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"First : Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. Then at lunch time, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. For dinner, fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores."

"Finally, and this part is very important : Have sex with him several times a week, and be sure to satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. " You're going to die!," she replied.

Excerpts taken from court proceedings that I thought was really silly and funny too. These are actually things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q : Are you sexually active?
A : No, I just lie there!

Q : What is your date of birth?
A : July 15th.
Q : What year?
A : Every year!

Q : What gear were you in, at the moment of impact?
A : Gucci sweats and Reebok!

Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it effect your memory at all?
A : Yes.
Q : And in what ways does it effect your memory?
A : I forget!
Q : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten???

Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?
A : Thirty-three or thirty-six, I can't remember which.
Q : How long has he lived with you?
A : Forty-three years.

Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A : He said, "Where am I, Christy?"
Q : And why did that upset you?
A : My name is Evon!

Q : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A : We both do.
Q : Voodoo?
A : We do.
Q : You do?
A : Yes, Voodoo.

Q : Now Doctor, isn't it true when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q : Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q : So, the date of your conception of your baby was July 9th?
A : Yes.
Q : And what were you doing at that time?

Q : She had three children right?
A : Yes.
Q : How many were boys?
A : None.
Q : Were there any girls?

Q : How was your first marriage terminated?
A : By death.
Q : And by whose death was it terminated?

Q : Can you describe the individual?
A : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male or female?

Q : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A : No, this is how I dress when I go to work!

Q : Doctor, how many autopsies have you done on dead people?
A : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q : ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A : Oral!

Q : Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A : The autopsy started around 7:30 pm
Q : And Mr Wellington was dead at that time?
A : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A : No.
Q : Did you check for blood pressure?
A : No.
Q : Did you check for breathing?
A : No.
Q : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A : No.
Q : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!

A man called his doctor to say that he no longer felt any urge for his wife and he was worried that it may be spoiling their marriage. So the doctor advised him to come in with his wife the next day.

At the clinic, the doctor asked the wife to fully undress and lie on the bed. He then approached the bed and stared at the woman for a few minutes with full concentration.

He then moved away from the woman and came near to the husband and told him in whisper, "There is nothing wrong with you. She doesn't give me a hard-on either!"

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girls breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight. You haven't any milk!"

"Of course, not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

I really don't know which Doctor wrote this, but I like him!

Health, Question and Answer Session.

Q : I've heard that Cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A : Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!

Q : Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A : You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable)

Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A : No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q : How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A : Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one , etc.

Q : What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A : Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is simple, No pain ...... Good!

Q : Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A : You're not listening!!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated
in it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q : Is chocolate bad for me?
A : Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's best feel-good food around!

Q : Is swimming good for my figure?
A : If swimming is good for your figure, explain Whales to me.

Q : Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A : Hey 'Round' is a shape!

Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And Remember : Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - Chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Woo Hoo, What a Ride"

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a moment and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "If you ask me , I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".