A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He Said :

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added : "And that woman was ... my Mother!"

There was laughter and applause from the audience.

A week later, a top manager trained by that same motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went ; "ah!" with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out, "... and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story : Don't copy, if you can't paste !

Here are two letters sent by both the Husband and then followed by the Wife on its reply, extremely witty, and definitely gets the message across ... read on.

Husband writes this letter to his wife :

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses ...
You are my sweetheart.

Your husband,
Alex.

After a few days the Wife replies to the letter :

Dearest Sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1) The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2) The Electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3) Your house owner is coming everyday and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4) Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ...

5) Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!

Your Sweet Heart.

Shawn and Mabel get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Shawn's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Mark, Shawn's little brother gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Shawn and Mabel are up yet. She replies, "No." Mark asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Mark comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Shawn and Mabel up yet?" She replies, "No." Mark says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Mark comes home and asks again, "Are Shawn and Mabel up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"

He says, "Last night Shawn came to my room for the Vaseline and I think ... I gave him my airplane glue ..."

A couple, getting ready to go to the theater, was shocked to find that their new Mercedes had been stolen from the garage. They went to the police station to lodge a report but when they returned home they were surprised to find the car parked in front of the house with a note : "My wife was in labour with our first child and I had to take your car." Also attached were two tickets for the show. The couple was touched and forgave the incident.

Then when they came back from the show at the theater, they found their house ransacked. There was a note : "I have to support my son through college haven't I?"

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again, as the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, 'NEVER UP, NEVER IN' "

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest now went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest. "We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

This man, very often came home late in the middle of the night totally drunk, and his wife would be waiting for him at the hall and let go her tirades.

But, in spite of her naggings, there was no change in his behaviour. Then she read in the advice column about using a different approach.

So one late night, instead of letting go at her husband, she said, "Would you like to go upstairs and make love to me?"

He answered, "Might as well. My wife is already pissed at me for being late."