A little boy often heard thumping noises from his parent's bedroom. One night, he crept from his bedroom and peeked into his parents bedroom and saw his mom on top of his dad.

The next day he told his mom what he saw and wanted to know what she was doing on top of his dad. His mother was shocked and embarrassed at the same time. She tried to make it look very casual.

She said, "Oh, your daddy is too fat, so I was trying to slim him down."

The boy then immediately replied, "It's no use because the lady next door comes around when you're not in to blow him up again."

There was this boy whose father had just bought a new Mercedes. His father told him he could not get to drive the car unless he improved his grades in school, study the bible and had his hair cut.

A month passed and the father told him, "I'm rather proud of you. You have improved your grades and even your knowledge of the bible is now quite good. But there's one thing and that is, your hair is still long ..."

The boy protested, "But Adam had long hair, and so did Moses. Come to think of it, Jesus had long hair, too."

His father replied, "But they walked."

A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.

He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?"

The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?"

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her, how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river to drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Two cannibals, a father and son, were out to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man.

The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed even the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother instead."

One day a young lady clutched a newborn baby and approached the butcher at the market stall saying that what she held in her arms was a product of their liaison. The butcher accepted responsibility and grudgingly agreed to provide for the child until he turned sixteen.

And so each week, meat on the dinner table was provided by the butcher. Then came the day when the boy turned sixteen. The boy was at the butcher's to collect the meat for the last time. The butcher cut a bigger slice of the choicest meat and told the boy, "Tell your mother that this is going to be the last piece of meat from me. Go watch the expression on her face."

When the boy told his mother what the butcher had said, she told him, "Well, tell him that we have also free bread and free milk from the grocery for the past sixteen years. Go watch the expression on his face."