After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave the airport?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there, the Mayor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

Chief : "Governor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it then?"

Cop : "I think it's God!"

Chief : "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop : "He's got the fukkin' Pope as a chauffeur!"

A golfer was playing a round of golf when he came across a bottle. When he touched the bottle a genie appeared and offered him one of two choices. He could either become the world's greatest golfer or the world's greatest lover. He picked to be the world's greatest golfer.

The golfer went on to shoot a round in the low 50's. When he finished the genie asked, "It's really none of my business, but why did you pick golf over sex?"

The golfer replied, "I do pretty well with the ladies, but I never was much of a golfer". The genie continued, "Well, just out of curiosity, how often do you have sex?" The golfer replied, "Oh, I guess once or twice a month".

Somewhat surprised the genie said, "That doesn't sound like the world's greatest lover".

The golfer replied, "Maybe not, but it's not bad for a priest in a small town".

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. "Evening, boys. What are you doing?"

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all."

The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Pastor!"

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Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one afternoon, feeding the birds, when a big burly guy walked up, and sat down beside them on the bench. After a minute, one of the old lady's whispered to the other.

"Linda, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!"

"Oh my lord! Well, let's just leave, Jane," her friend replied with disgust.

"I can't," said the other. "He's using my hand."

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Two executives, Mark and Harry, staggered out of their company's holiday party in New York City. Harry crossed the street, while Mark stumbled into a subway entrance. When Harry reached the other side, he noticed Mark emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where've you been?" Harry slurred.

"I don't know," replied Mark, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers he saw walking along the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer, he swerved to hit him, waited to hear a loud "THUMP" and swerved back to the road. One day, as the truck driver was tooling along, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

He asked, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. The trucker saw a lawyer walking along and instinctively swerved to hit him. But remembering there was a priest in the truck, he swerved back onto the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he heard a loud "THUD" and glanced in the rear-view mirror to see the lawyer laying alongside the road.

He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I swerved and thought I missed that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest now went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest. "We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

A priest went to a barber shop to have his hair cut. When he took out his wallet to pay the barber, the barber refused to accept the money, saying, "You are a good man; you do the work of God. I cannot accept your money." The next morning, when he opened his shop and there on the steps were twelve copies of the bible, compliments from the priest.

Later in the day, a policeman came in to have his hair cut. The barber refused to accept payment, saying, "You are a good man; you uphold the law and make our streets safe. I cannot accept your money." The next morning, when he opened his shop and there on the steps were twelve doughnuts, compliments from the policeman.

Later in the day, a lawyer came in to have his hair cut. The barber refused to accept payment, saying, "You are a good man; you see that our judicial system runs smoothly. I cannot accept your payment." The next morning, the barber opened his shop and found .... twelve lawyer's waiting in line !!