Man : "Haven't we met before?"
Woman : "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
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Man : "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman : "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
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Man : "Is this seat empty?"
Woman : "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
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Man : "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman : "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
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Man : "Your place or mine?"
Woman : "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
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Man : "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman : "It's in the phone book."
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Man : "But I don't know your name."
Woman : "That's in the phone book too."
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Man : "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman : "I'm a female impersonator."
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Man : "I know how to please a woman."
Woman : "Then please leave me alone."
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Man : "I want to give myself to you."
Woman : "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
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Man : "I can tell that you want me."
Woman : "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you ... to leave."
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Man : "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman : "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
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Man : "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman : "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
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Man : "Your body is like a temple."
Woman : "Sorry, there are no services today."
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Man : "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman : "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
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Man : "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman : "Yes, but would you stay there?"

God created the donkey and said to him "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered : "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him : "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years." The dog answered : "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years." God granted his wish.

God created the monkey and said to him : "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years." The monkey answered : "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

Finally God created man ... and said to him : "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded : "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted man's wish

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life!

A recent survey conducted in America showed that 10% of the men after making love rolled over and smoked a cigarette, another 10% got up and washed themselves while the remaining 80% dressed up and went home.

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Question : What do you have if you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

Answer : Not enough sand.

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In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton," 86% replied, "Not again".

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. After a couple of sips he looked up and saw a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He called the bartender over and said he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender said, "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian."

The man took a second, thought it over, shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's okay, I'd like to buy her a drink anyway."

So the bartender brought the woman her drink. The woman lifted her glass and gave our hero a nod of thanks. Encouraged, he got up from his bar stool and sauntered over to the woman. As he was sitting down on the stool next to her, he asked, "So, which part of Lesbia are you from?"

Two men were waiting for the heaven's gate to open. "How did you die?" one man asked the other. "From Freezing," the other man answered.

"How did it feel?" the first man wanted to know, "At first it was quite bad; I felt my whole body go numb and crack but soon it kind of wear off. Then I felt a sensation of peacefulness and the whole thing became an almost enjoyable experience. Anyway, come to think of it, how did you die?"

"From a heart attack. I suspected that my wife was cheating on me. Hoping to catch that sneaky man, I came home early one day unannounced and rushed into the bedroom, taking three and four steps at a time. I couldn't find him, so I ran down the stairs straight into the basement. I couldn't find him there either. Then I rushed up the stairs again to the attic. My weak heart couldn't take all these and I collapsed."

The other man then said, "If you had stopped to look in the freezer, we'd still be alive."

During a recent world series, a man noticed that there was a vacant seat next to the man beside him. He commented that it was unbelievable that someone would spend so much on a ticket and not turn up for the match.

The man next to him said that it was for his wife. They had bought the tickets months in advance but unfortunately she died and could not make it. "Why didn't you give the ticket to your family member or a friend?" the man asked.

"Can't do that," the other man said. "Why not?" the first man wanted to know.

"They're at the funeral," came the reply.

A circus owner advertised for a lion tamer but only two people applied, one a shapely lady and the other a young man. The circus owner warned them that the lion was very ferocious and had just eaten the last tamer. Both the applicants answered that they were not afraid and would like to have a go at it.

The lady chose to go first. Walking towards the lion's cage, she ignored the chair, the whip and the pistol the owner had provided them. She bravely entered the cage.

The lion immediately charged at her, growling and snarling and showing its teeth in threatening fashion. However, it stopped short of attacking. And then, surprisingly, it gave out a kittenish purr and snuggled close to the lady. First, pressing against the lady's face it gradually began kissing and licking all over her. After a while, it dropped on its hind legs and slumped down and rested against the thighs of the lady. The owner was utterly taken in. He turned to the young man and said, "Can you top that?"

"Sure," replied the young man. "Just get the lion out of the way."

A drunk walked into the bar and casually said to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender did just that and handed the man a bill for $39.90. The drunk said, "I haven't got the money." The bartender slapped the guy a few times then threw him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walked into the bar and once again said, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looked at the guy and figured to himself that he could not possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gave him the benefit of the doubt, poured a round of drinks for the house, had a drink himself and handed the drunk a bill for $36.00. The drunk said, "I haven't got the money." The bartender could not believe it, so he picked the guy up, beat the living daylights out of him, then threw him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walked back into the same bar and said, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust the bartender said, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replied, "No, you get violent when you drink."

A man, showing his friend, an expensive bottle of multi-vitamin pills said, "These are supposed to make me a new man."

"So are you a new man now?" his friend asked.

"I don't think so," he answered. "My wife still recognises me when I come back late at night."

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her, how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river to drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

A man was badly constipated so he went to a doctor to try to alleviate his problem. The doctor prescribed suppositories to be administered once every four hours. When he got home, he quickly took a suppository, swallowing it down with a glass of water. After four hours, nothing happened, so he swallowed another one.

After several days, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor, complaining that the treatment was not doing him any good.

The doctor, in jest, asked, "You must have been swallowing them?"

The man replied, sarcastically, "No, I shove them up my ass!!"

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it, a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgement day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."

"Do you know what the letter said?"

"No?" ..... "You didn't get one either, huh?"

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.

A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.

"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.

The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker.

She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA! See what you get for five bucks?"

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was an older man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young girl in the back seat calmly chewing bubble gum. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's chewing bubble gum."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you?"

"I'm forty-five," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

Hopefully this will shed some light to us ladies out there on why men are never depressed, cause at the end of the day, men are just happier people - What do you expect from such simple (and proud of it) creatures?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about Tanks (Sherman? Tiger? T70?).
• A five-day vacation only requires one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• Your underwear is $5.95 for a three-pack.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles on your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades even.
• You only have to shave your face and neck (or head)
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your leg looks.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in just 25 minutes.

Now, no wonder men are more happier !!

Young Son : Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad : That happens in every country, son.

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A man was complaining to a friend : "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then all of a sudden, BAM!, it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked his friend.

"My wife found out ......"

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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver!"

A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut.

The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she likes, and see what happens.

The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady, do you like sex?" to which she says, "Yes, I do." The man then tells her, "Well, then tell your husband to make use of you and stay away from my wife."

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. What was the best way to find out who to marry? So, he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make-over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and made a conclusion ...... he married the one with the biggest breast !!!

Men are like .......

1. Men are like .. Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like .. Bananas .... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like .. Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .. Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .. Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .. Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like .. Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .. Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like .. Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .. Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like .. Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped!

For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free", here's an update for you : Nowadays, 80% of woman are against marriage, Why? Because, women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!!!

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The young tots were asked why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk and the popular answers were :

1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.

One boy also added : "It comes in such cute containers!"

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A good looking man in a three piece suit stepped into an empty elevator and pressed the button for the 107th floor. Just before the door closed a gorgeous woman in a nearly microscopic skirt stepped in and looked at the control panel. As the door shut, she slid over to him and whispered, "You have 107 floors to make me feel like a real woman."

Having checked her out already, he wasted no time in tearing off his clothes and throwing them into a messy pile in the corner. Thinking hard about what she had asked for, he murmured, "Wash my clothes!"