A man had a blown tyre next to an asylum. While changing the tyre, he noticed a patient leaning over the wall looking at what he was doing with keen interest. Before he could replace the wheel, he realised that all four screws had rolled down the slope, dropped into the drain and could not be retrieved.

While pondering what to do, the patient suggested that he took out one screw from each of the other wheels to fix on the last wheel. In this way he would be able to drive to the nearest gas station to have his problems fixed.

The man was naturally impressed and complimented the patient for his wise suggestion. The patient replied, "It's nothing, actually. You see, I may be mad, but I am not stupid!"

There was this boy whose father had just bought a new Mercedes. His father told him he could not get to drive the car unless he improved his grades in school, study the bible and had his hair cut.

A month passed and the father told him, "I'm rather proud of you. You have improved your grades and even your knowledge of the bible is now quite good. But there's one thing and that is, your hair is still long ..."

The boy protested, "But Adam had long hair, and so did Moses. Come to think of it, Jesus had long hair, too."

His father replied, "But they walked."

A Japanese tourist got in a cab and told the driver to drive him to the airport. On their way, a car zoomed by and the Japanese went, "Aaah, Toyota, made in Japan, very faaast!" And then, another car zoomed by and the Japanese went, "Aaah, Nissan, made in Japan, very faaast!" And then, another car zooms by and again the Japanese lets out, "Aaah Mitsubishi, made in Japan, very faaast!"

By this time, the cabby was getting tired of his passenger's nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the airport, the cabby tells his passenger, "$130 please."

The Japanese went, "$130? It's not that far from the hotel!"

The cabby replied, "Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan, very faaast!"

A couple, getting ready to go to the theater, was shocked to find that their new Mercedes had been stolen from the garage. They went to the police station to lodge a report but when they returned home they were surprised to find the car parked in front of the house with a note : "My wife was in labour with our first child and I had to take your car." Also attached were two tickets for the show. The couple was touched and forgave the incident.

Then when they came back from the show at the theater, they found their house ransacked. There was a note : "I have to support my son through college haven't I?"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Dorothy! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Dorothy turned to her and said, "Oh, I thought you were driving!"

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out there was damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him ad said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a lady a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the other corner.

A hobo came up to the front door of a beautiful house and rapped gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked him, "Please sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner said, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So, the hobo went around back and a while later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already?" The hobo said, "Yes ...... But, it isn't a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

A businessman walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer said the bank would need some kind of security for such a loan. So, the businessman handed over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The businessman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"