This guy was stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he saw a speck in the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck got a little closer and he thought, "It's not a boat." The speck got even closer and he thought, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

The woman came up to the guy and said, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" He said, "Ten Years!" She reached over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He took one, lighted it, took a long drag, and said, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whisky?" He replied, "Ten Years!" She reached over, unzipped her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. He took a long swig and said, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she started unzipping this long zipper that ran down the front of her wet suit and she said to him, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" And the man replied, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor. So, he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky, and two worms. "Now class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sat in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch please." The bartender hands him the drink and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the man replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was surely not impressed by this, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" To which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

The man replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch."