Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. To make matters worse, he was asked to leave his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

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Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.

I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, breakfast is prepared set alongside the morning paper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! While Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,... "LADY, LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!!"

Moral of the story :

Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful husband!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

And the husband began -

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days !

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas which I made for you last night - remember, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas – the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because you said someone at work has the same pair.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued -

'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

This is a story about a husband and wife who are waiting at a nearby bus stop with their nine children. Shortly afterwards, a blind man joins them and decides to wait for the bus as well. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded with passengers and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk to their intended destination. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is really driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Here are two letters sent by both the Husband and then followed by the Wife on its reply, extremely witty, and definitely gets the message across ... read on.

Husband writes this letter to his wife :

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses ...
You are my sweetheart.

Your husband,
Alex.

After a few days the Wife replies to the letter :

Dearest Sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1) The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2) The Electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3) Your house owner is coming everyday and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4) Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ...

5) Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!

Your Sweet Heart.

Two men were waiting for the heaven's gate to open. "How did you die?" one man asked the other. "From Freezing," the other man answered.

"How did it feel?" the first man wanted to know, "At first it was quite bad; I felt my whole body go numb and crack but soon it kind of wear off. Then I felt a sensation of peacefulness and the whole thing became an almost enjoyable experience. Anyway, come to think of it, how did you die?"

"From a heart attack. I suspected that my wife was cheating on me. Hoping to catch that sneaky man, I came home early one day unannounced and rushed into the bedroom, taking three and four steps at a time. I couldn't find him, so I ran down the stairs straight into the basement. I couldn't find him there either. Then I rushed up the stairs again to the attic. My weak heart couldn't take all these and I collapsed."

The other man then said, "If you had stopped to look in the freezer, we'd still be alive."

During a recent world series, a man noticed that there was a vacant seat next to the man beside him. He commented that it was unbelievable that someone would spend so much on a ticket and not turn up for the match.

The man next to him said that it was for his wife. They had bought the tickets months in advance but unfortunately she died and could not make it. "Why didn't you give the ticket to your family member or a friend?" the man asked.

"Can't do that," the other man said. "Why not?" the first man wanted to know.

"They're at the funeral," came the reply.

A man complained to his friend that he did not know what to get his wife for her birthday. "She already has everything you could think of, and anyway, she can buy herself whatever she likes."

"Here's an idea," said his friend. "Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she will be enchanted."

The next day, the friend asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes," answered the man.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes!" the man answered. "She jumped up, kissed me on the forehead and ran out of the door, yelling, 'See you in thirty minutes!' ..."

A man, showing his friend, an expensive bottle of multi-vitamin pills said, "These are supposed to make me a new man."

"So are you a new man now?" his friend asked.

"I don't think so," he answered. "My wife still recognises me when I come back late at night."

A man who went to Church with his wife, always had a habit of falling asleep during a sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and on one Sunday, took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th .." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God All Mighty!"

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. He later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins ..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"

The minister said, "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child," the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into the wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!!"

An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep. A few moments later she said : "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said : "Then you used to bite me on my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

He answered, "To get my teeth!"

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.

A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.

"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.

The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker.

She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA! See what you get for five bucks?"

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what is wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what? 'So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'."

"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

During a group counseling course, husbands were separated from their wives and were told to stand in line. Husbands who were dominated by their wives were to stand in line on the left, while those who dominated their wives were to stand in line on the right.

There was a very long line on the left, while only one man stood on the right.

The counselor asked, "Can you tell the group as to why you believe you deserve to be on this line?"

"I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut.

The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she likes, and see what happens.

The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady, do you like sex?" to which she says, "Yes, I do." The man then tells her, "Well, then tell your husband to make use of you and stay away from my wife."

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around his shop and answered, "In two hours." The man quickly departed.

The next day, he turned up again, stuck his head into the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around his shop, counted the customers he had and answered, "In about two hours." The man quickly left without saying a word.

On the third day, the guy again came into the barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" This time the barber answered, "In half an hour." The man then hurriedly left the shop.

By now the barber was very inquisitive, so he asked his assistant to tend the shop while he secretly followed the man to see where he was going.

He was shocked to see the man going straight for his house. The man nervously looked left and right while he pressed the bell. Hiding in a corner, the barber saw his wife open the door and heard the man say, "Quick, we only have thirty minutes."

A man had a mistress. She had always liked his beard but one evening she decided that it would be nicer if he changed his appearance. The man said no, he would not want to shave because his wife liked the beard very much.

The mistress begged and pleaded, so he finally shaved.

When he reached home, it was already past midnight and his wife was already asleep. He tiptoed into the darkened bedroom and got onto bed.

His wife turned around, felt the smooth face next to hers and said, "Oh, John you shouldn't have come. My husband will be home soon."

The old man lay dying on his bed. Even in that moment he could not help but continue to hold doubts over the fact that he had three beautiful daughters and an ugly son.

He told his wife, "I can't help but notice all these years that our son looks very different from our daughters. I had refrained from asking you this, but do tell me now, have you been playing around behind my back?"

The wife replied, "My dearest, I swear on my mother's grave, that you are the father."

Contended the old man died happy and peaceful.

The wife muttered under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." !!!