This full-blooded pirate with a peg-leg, hook and eye-patch, wobbly stepped into the bar and ordered a round of whisky. Inquisitive and admiring customers at the bar soon gathered around him.

One of the men asked, "How did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replied, "We were caught in a fierce storm and I was thrown overboard. Just as they were pulling me out, a shark appeared and bit me leg off." "Oh gosh!" another said.

"What about the hook?" "Ah ...," the pirate said, "We were boarding a trading ship ... pistols were blasting and swords were swaying this way and that ... In the fracas me hand got lobbed off." "Zounds!" the next guy said.

"And how come you wear the eye patch?" The pirate answered, "A seagull dropping fell on my eye." "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping??" some men asked incredulously.

"Well ..." said the pirate, "... it was me first day with the hook."

A drunk walked into the bar and casually said to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender did just that and handed the man a bill for $39.90. The drunk said, "I haven't got the money." The bartender slapped the guy a few times then threw him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walked into the bar and once again said, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looked at the guy and figured to himself that he could not possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gave him the benefit of the doubt, poured a round of drinks for the house, had a drink himself and handed the drunk a bill for $36.00. The drunk said, "I haven't got the money." The bartender could not believe it, so he picked the guy up, beat the living daylights out of him, then threw him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walked back into the same bar and said, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust the bartender said, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replied, "No, you get violent when you drink."

An Irishman had been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally said that the bar was closed. So he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He figured he would crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face.

So he crawled home and at the door stood up and fell flat yet again, on his face. He crawled through the door and up the stairs. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he fell right into bed and was soon sound asleep. He awoken the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asked.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again!"

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back into the bar and ordered three more. The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admitted that was a nice custom, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar and always drank the same way: he ordered three pints and drank them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars in the bar noticed and fell silent, as they figured that one of his brothers had passed away. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no," he said, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

A bloke walks into a nearby bar and after awhile decides to go to the john and sees a black man having a piss. He looks at his tackle and says, "Bugger me, look at the size of that knob, how'd you get a knob that big?"

"Well," says the black man, "I come from Africa and in my tribe it is a custom to tie a rock onto a piece of string and then tie a rock onto your knob, the bigger the knob, the greater your status in the tribe".

"Wow!" the bloke said, and away he goes.

A few weeks later he goes to the same bar, and in the john is the black guy again, "Hi there," he says, "I'm taking your advice and I've tied a brick to my knob to make it bigger".

"Oh" says the black man "Is it working?".

"Well," says the bloke, "It's starting to turn black!"

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch please." The bartender hands him the drink and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the man replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was surely not impressed by this, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" To which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

The man replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

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One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.

He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of zero. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

A man sat by himself in a bar with a depressed look on his face. The bartender asked him why. He said, "Last night I was so drunk that after making love with my wife, I passed her a fifty dollar bill".

The bartender said that it was not a reason to feel sad.

"But you don't understand," the man said. "She gave me back $10".

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A man sat down by a woman in a bar and said, "You know, this watch I'm wearing is magic. I can tell everything about someone by just looking at it."

"Prove it," she said.

"Well, for instance, I can tell you're not wearing any panties".

"But I am", she said.

"Oops!", he said. "This thing must be an hour fast".

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Girlfriend : And are you really sure that you only love me and no one else?
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says , "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then." And the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum, then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then." And the man leaves.

The Scotsman that is still sitting at the bar, gets an idea after seeing all this. He walks up to the bar and orders a shot of rum. He drinks it and then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey, where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks for a moment...... and then immediately lifts his kilt and says, "Secret Service"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman said, "Wow ! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back. "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus ! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah ...... My wife!"

Two men were at a bar. Halfway through the night, the jovial bartender announced a special competition for his customers. The competition would be to guess a number between 1 - 10.

"What do I do?" asked one man.

"You just guess any number between 1 - 10."

"And what is the prize?" asked the man.

"Free sex," said the bartender.

"Okay, let me try," said the man.

"Go ahead, think of a number." the bartender said.

"Two" the man said.

"No, I'm sorry, the answer is three."

The following week the other man tried his luck in this competition.
"Think of a number" said the bartender.
"Eight," the man said.
"No, I'm sorry. The correct answer is nine."

Walking back, one man said to the other, "I have a feeling the competition is rigged." "No way," the other man answered. "My wife has won twice."