A golfer was playing a round of golf when he came across a bottle. When he touched the bottle a genie appeared and offered him one of two choices. He could either become the world's greatest golfer or the world's greatest lover. He picked to be the world's greatest golfer.

The golfer went on to shoot a round in the low 50's. When he finished the genie asked, "It's really none of my business, but why did you pick golf over sex?"

The golfer replied, "I do pretty well with the ladies, but I never was much of a golfer". The genie continued, "Well, just out of curiosity, how often do you have sex?" The golfer replied, "Oh, I guess once or twice a month".

Somewhat surprised the genie said, "That doesn't sound like the world's greatest lover".

The golfer replied, "Maybe not, but it's not bad for a priest in a small town".

This guy was stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he saw a speck in the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck got a little closer and he thought, "It's not a boat." The speck got even closer and he thought, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

The woman came up to the guy and said, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" He said, "Ten Years!" She reached over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He took one, lighted it, took a long drag, and said, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whisky?" He replied, "Ten Years!" She reached over, unzipped her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. He took a long swig and said, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she started unzipping this long zipper that ran down the front of her wet suit and she said to him, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" And the man replied, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, 'NEVER UP, NEVER IN' "

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight at night. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

When he entered the house, his wife demanded, "Where have you been?"

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b@#!!?#, you've been playing golf !"