A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
Snow White, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were talking one day. Snow White said she was the fairest of them all and the other two disagreed. Tom Thumb said he was the smallest of everyone and the other two disagreed. Don Juan said he has had more women than anyone and the other two disagreed again.
They then went to see Merlin, and Snow White went into his office and came right out and said she was the fairest of them all. Tom Thumb went in and came out right away and said he was the smallest of them all.
Don Juan went in and 3 hours later came out screaming, "Who the heck is this Clinton guy?"
During a group counseling course, husbands were separated from their wives and were told to stand in line. Husbands who were dominated by their wives were to stand in line on the left, while those who dominated their wives were to stand in line on the right.
There was a very long line on the left, while only one man stood on the right.
The counselor asked, "Can you tell the group as to why you believe you deserve to be on this line?"
"I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, 'NEVER UP, NEVER IN' "
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers he saw walking along the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer, he swerved to hit him, waited to hear a loud "THUMP" and swerved back to the road. One day, as the truck driver was tooling along, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
He asked, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. The trucker saw a lawyer walking along and instinctively swerved to hit him. But remembering there was a priest in the truck, he swerved back onto the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he heard a loud "THUD" and glanced in the rear-view mirror to see the lawyer laying alongside the road.
He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I swerved and thought I missed that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
Three contractors found themselves arriving at the pearly gates at the same time. St Peter greeted them and told them that the pearly gates were broken and in need of repair. He asked them each for estimates so God may choose a contractor to have the gates repaired.
The first contractor, Hugh Henderson, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 300 dollars. St Peter asked for an explanation. He was told 100 dollars was for materials, 100 dollars for labor and another 100 dollars for profit.
The second contractor, Andrew Hamilton, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 900 dollars. St Peter asked again and was told 300 dollars was for materials, 300 dollars for labor and another 300 dollars for profit.
The third contractor, Mark Rogers, took a look at the gates and announced an estimate of 2300 dollars. St Peter was taken back and asked Mark how he came upon such a high price. Mark took St Peter aside and whispered, "One thousand for me, one thousand for you, and we get Hugh Henderson to do it for 300 dollars!"
Young Son : Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad : That happens in every country, son.
A man was complaining to a friend : "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then all of a sudden, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend.
"My wife found out ......"
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver!"
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her for the rest of the night amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time ... she's alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see the Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500!! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 storey apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You cant mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!!"
A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut.
The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she likes, and see what happens.
The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady, do you like sex?" to which she says, "Yes, I do." The man then tells her, "Well, then tell your husband to make use of you and stay away from my wife."
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest now went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest. "We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in a such a way that he will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Well ... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret ... you know, woman to woman"
This new guy gets hired on at a utilities store. The owner puts him through a period of training to teach him to be a good salesman. He says, "The best way to be a good salesman is to take a small sale and turn it into a big sale. For example, do you see the guy coming in the door right now, watch this." The owner goes over to the guy and says, "Sir, can I help you with something?" And the guy says, "Yea, I need a garden hose."
"Well, I got just what you need."
The owner goes back into the backroom for about five minutes and comes back with a wheelbarrow, a rake, a hoe, a pick, a shovel, and a bag of lawn seed with a garden hose on top. The guy says, "What the hell is all of this stuff for I don't need any of this shit?"
The owner says, "Listen sir, by the time you go over to your neighbours and borrow the rake and the hoe, and you go over to your mother-in-laws and borrow the wheelbarrow, and the rest of this stuff, you might as well buy it here."
The guy says, "You know something, you have a point, I'll buy it."
Then the owner goes over to the new guy and says, "It's your turn to try it on this lady coming in the door."
So, the kid goes up to her and says, "Ma'am, can I help you?" She says, "I need a box of tampons." "I got just what you need," He goes in the back room for about five minutes and comes back with a wheelbarrow, a rake, a hoe, a pick, a shovel, and a box of tampons right on top.
The lady says, "What the fuck is this shit for, I only need a box of tampons."
The new guy says, "Listen lady, you ain't going to be fucking for a week, so you might as well do some work around the yard."
After a long nite of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Melinda was a 92 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Greg. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Greg's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Melinda was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense : "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.
Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.
The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon, the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again, the new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again, they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later, they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again, the new man yells down from high above, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "And we said, we're not screwing!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are going at it. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
The guest replied, "No, but my father used to be the gardener."
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. What was the best way to find out who to marry? So, he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make-over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and made a conclusion ...... he married the one with the biggest breast !!!
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of zero. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light, and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light, and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He happily continues again, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light, and he turns into...... a box of chocolates.
A hobo came up to the front door of a beautiful house and rapped gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked him, "Please sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner said, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So, the hobo went around back and a while later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already?" The hobo said, "Yes ...... But, it isn't a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one or two words?"
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York city restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says "What the hell do you guy's think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED"
A guy went in to see a psychiatrist to get an evaluation of his problem. The doctor began simply, by saying he would draw a picture on a piece of paper and the patient was supposed to tell him the first thing that came to his mind.
The patient said he understood the instructions and the doctor began by drawing a picture of a tree. The man looked at the picture and said, "Sex."
The doctor said, "Okay," and then drew a picture of a house. The guy looked again and said, "Sex."
This went on the same way with the doctor drawing pictures of a bike, a bird, and a car. The answer was always "Sex, sex, sex."
The doctor paused and said to the man, "I think I know what your problem is, you are obsessed with sex!"
And the patient replied, "Me?...... You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!!"
Two tiny, gray-haired women in a crowded lift were engrossed in an animated conversation.
One of them said loudly, "Well my fantasy has always been to have two men at the same time."
There was complete silence as everyone in the lift turned to stare at the woman who had made such an intimate disclosure. Then she laughed and continued, "One would do the cooking and the other would do the cleaning."
A well dressed gentleman entered the bar of a five star restaurant, sat at the bar and ordered four rounds of the most expensive drinks. The bartender served them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumed all four drinks in a matter of seconds.
The bartender commented, "Wow, anybody that drinks like that has real problems."
The gentleman replied, "If you had what I have, you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asked, "What do you have?"
"Fifty Cents," the man answered.
Why did the blonde take off all her clothes at the Laundromat?
Because the sign on the washing machine said, "When spinning stops, remove your clothes."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Mark was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Mark".
The teacher asked, "What if Mark went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A sex researcher was doing a survey at a local university. A student said to the sex researcher, "In my case, when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing."
"Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis," the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."
So the student shrugged, and stuck out his tongue.
The bright young man working in the supermarket was approached by a customer who wanted to buy half a head of cabbage. "Sir, we can't sell half a head of cabbage," he explained. The customer persisted and the young man agreed to check with the store manager.
He found the manager and said, "Sir, I've got some nut who wants to buy half a head of cabbage." Just as he finished his statement he saw that the customer had followed him and was standing next to him. Immediately, he said, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
"Sell it." the manager said.
Later, the manager took the youth aside. "That was quick thinking," he said. "We need bright young men like you, and I'm going to keep my eyes open on your behalf."
"Thank You, Sir." the young man said.
A month later he was summoned by the manager. "Well, my lad, I told you I'd watch out for you, and indeed I have. I've recommended you for an assistant manager's job in our new store in Montreal....."
"Montreal!" the young man exclaimed. "Why, nothing comes from there except prostitutes and hockey players!"
The manager said, "Listen, young fellow, my wife comes from there!"
Without missing a beat, the young man replied, "No kidding! What position does she play?"
When he entered the house, his wife demanded, "Where have you been?"
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b@#!!?#, you've been playing golf !"
A man moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, he cut one in half and sent her the top part. Later he received another letter asking him to send another picture to his grandmother. The man cut another picture he had in half, but accidentally sent the bottom half. He was really worried when he realized that he had sent the wrong part, but then remembered how bad his grandmother's eyesight was and hoped she would not notice. A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother. It said, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle ... it makes your nose look long!"
1. Men are like .. Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .. Bananas .... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .. Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .. Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .. Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .. Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .. Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .. Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .. Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .. Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .. Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped!
For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free", here's an update for you : Nowadays, 80% of woman are against marriage, Why? Because, women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!!!
The young tots were asked why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk and the popular answers were :
1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.
One boy also added : "It comes in such cute containers!"
A good looking man in a three piece suit stepped into an empty elevator and pressed the button for the 107th floor. Just before the door closed a gorgeous woman in a nearly microscopic skirt stepped in and looked at the control panel. As the door shut, she slid over to him and whispered, "You have 107 floors to make me feel like a real woman."
Having checked her out already, he wasted no time in tearing off his clothes and throwing them into a messy pile in the corner. Thinking hard about what she had asked for, he murmured, "Wash my clothes!"
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their head and ass are interchangeable!!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the woman aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"First : Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. Then at lunch time, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. For dinner, fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores."
"Finally, and this part is very important : Have sex with him several times a week, and be sure to satisfy his every whim."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. " You're going to die!," she replied.
Catching a great comedy movie is becoming harder these days as most of them only have a couple of their moments within the whole movie. It's always hard to forget a good one from the past though, and all of a sudden I found a review at Nihal's site on this great classic comedy, that brought back some good memories; The Party, starring Peter Sellers. Boy, this movie was totally awesome right from the start.
Managed to find a short video taken off the movie, and thought of sharing it with all of you. And, if you ever get a chance, try to to get hold of this movie, it's available on DVD, and trust me, you'll have a good laugh watching it.
This particular scene catches Peter Sellers as he tries very hard to locate a vacant men's-room and can't seem to control it any longer, if you know what I mean??? Watch this video, you'll understand.
Here is a great way of getting many beautiful women. The instruction is self-explanatory. You only need to invest one woman in order to get a return of ten thousand women within 60 days.
This is not a scam. If you read the instructions carefully, you will find that the scheme is very logical if it is played with utmost honesty.
Just think about it, your initial investment is only your wife which is very, very small compared to the expected return of thousands of women. What have you got to lose?
Don't break the chain! Just add your name and address to the bottom of the list and send your wife to the top name on this list. Then, send five copies of the letter to your friends. Within 60 days, you will receive about 10,000 women! If you don't like them, send them back! Just keep the ones you want!
Remember, don't break the chain! Terrible, terrible things will happen to you if you break the chain.
One guy broke the chain ....... and got his wife back!!!
A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there, he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"
The cowboy replied, "See them thar' sheep up on that hill. We just go get us one."
"That is disgusting and barbaric!" replied the lawyer.
After about three months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with!!"
A rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She had hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"
A man and a woman were driving along the country-side when they saw a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stopped, and the woman got out, picked it up, and brought it into the car. She said, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
The man said, "Put it between your legs." She asked, "What about the smell?" and he replied, "Hold It's nose !!"
There was this man who was in a horrible accident and had both of his ears amputated. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about him having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company and decided to own a business of his own. So, he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
A businessman walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer said the bank would need some kind of security for such a loan. So, the businessman handed over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Little Timmy went up to his mother and said, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mom said, "Son, there are some questions you should never ask a lady, and that's one of them." The boy said, "Okay, Mommy. How much do you weigh?" She said, "Son, that's another question you should never ask a lady." The boy said, "Okay, Mommy. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The mom said, "Okay, that's enough questions for now. Why don't you go outside and play?"
Little Timmy went outside and saw a friend of his. He said to the friend, "I kept asking my mom all of these questions about herself, and she wouldn't answer them."
His resourceful friend said, "You know what you should do? You should go into her purse and look at her driver's license. They have all sorts of neat information on those."
Little Timmy thought it was a good idea. So, he went into the house and got his mom's driver's license, then looked it over. Then, he went to his mom, and said mischievously, "Guess what, mom? I looked at your driver's license, and now I know how old you are!" The mom said, "Really?" The boy said, "Yeah, you're 33! And I know how much you weigh, too!" The surprised mom said, "Oh, really?" Little Timmy said, "Yea, you weigh 150 pounds. And I also know why daddy divorced you, too!"
At this point, the paranoid mom said, "You do??" and Little Timmy said, "Yea, because you got an 'F' in sex!"
An old couple sat down to have breakfast on their Fiftieth Anniversary, stark naked. The wife said, "Oh John, this is just like fifty years ago ....... my breasts feel all warm and tingly ......" Then the husband said, "They ought to, Maggie ..... one's hanging in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee!!!"
A club catering for the wealthy city woman visited a dairy farm as its monthly outing programme. Most of the ladies had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen a farm before. On the way, they looked out of the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.
Maggie, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him. He sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired. "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone : "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ones by putting a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is because .... it's a horse!
Three women, a Japanese, a Korean and a Black woman were stranded after an airplane crash. The Japanese woman started gathering all of the clothes saying, "When they come to rescue us, they will take the best looking and dressed one."
The Korean woman started going for all the money and jewels saying, "When they come to rescue us, they will take the wealthiest one."
Then the Black woman started removing all of her clothes until she was stark naked saying, "When they come, they will look for the black box first!"
A man was in a hotel lobby. He wanted to ask the clerk a question. As he turned to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumped into a woman beside him. As he did so, his elbow touched her breast. They were both quite startled.
The man turned to her and said, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replied, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 453!"
An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."
"So, who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply.
"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."
A man woke up one morning, looked out the window, and saw a huge gorilla in the tree in his back yard. Feeling very nervous, he grabbed the phone book and looked up 'gorilla exterminators' in the Yellow Pages.
He called the exterminator, who said he would be right out. The exterminator arrived in a van, hopped out, and opened the door. He took out a large net, a shotgun, and a fierce-looking dog.
"OK", he said, "this is how it works, I climb the tree and shake it and the gorilla falls to the ground. The dog runs over and bites him in a vital spot. While he's disabled, you throw the net over him. I'll come down and we'll tie him up".
As the exterminator started up the tree, the man called, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The exterminator said, "Sometimes when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes it back and I fall out of the tree. If that happens ...... you shoot the dog".
Excerpts taken from court proceedings that I thought was really silly and funny too. These are actually things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q : Are you sexually active?
A : No, I just lie there!
Q : What is your date of birth?
A : July 15th.
Q : What year?
A : Every year!
Q : What gear were you in, at the moment of impact?
A : Gucci sweats and Reebok!
Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it effect your memory at all?
A : Yes.
Q : And in what ways does it effect your memory?
A : I forget!
Q : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten???
Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?
A : Thirty-three or thirty-six, I can't remember which.
Q : How long has he lived with you?
A : Forty-three years.
Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A : He said, "Where am I, Christy?"
Q : And why did that upset you?
A : My name is Evon!
Q : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A : We both do.
Q : Voodoo?
A : We do.
Q : You do?
A : Yes, Voodoo.
Q : Now Doctor, isn't it true when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q : Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q : So, the date of your conception of your baby was July 9th?
A : Yes.
Q : And what were you doing at that time?
Q : She had three children right?
A : Yes.
Q : How many were boys?
A : None.
Q : Were there any girls?
Q : How was your first marriage terminated?
A : By death.
Q : And by whose death was it terminated?
Q : Can you describe the individual?
A : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male or female?
Q : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A : No, this is how I dress when I go to work!
Q : Doctor, how many autopsies have you done on dead people?
A : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q : ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A : Oral!
Q : Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A : The autopsy started around 7:30 pm
Q : And Mr Wellington was dead at that time?
A : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A : No.
Q : Did you check for blood pressure?
A : No.
Q : Did you check for breathing?
A : No.
Q : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A : No.
Q : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!
A man called his doctor to say that he no longer felt any urge for his wife and he was worried that it may be spoiling their marriage. So the doctor advised him to come in with his wife the next day.
At the clinic, the doctor asked the wife to fully undress and lie on the bed. He then approached the bed and stared at the woman for a few minutes with full concentration.
He then moved away from the woman and came near to the husband and told him in whisper, "There is nothing wrong with you. She doesn't give me a hard-on either!"
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girls breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.
"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight. You haven't any milk!"
"Of course, not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
Two guys from Hungary migrated to America. On their first day off the boat, they were wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time neared, they came up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.
One said to the other in a shocked tone, "My God, they eat dogs in America?"
"I can't believe it!" said the other, equally appalled.
"Well," said the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."
They approached the vendor bravely.
"Two hot dogs, please."
The vendor handed them their food in paper bags. The two immigrants sat on a park bench to eat their lunch.
One looked inside his bag, hesitated and turned to his partner and said, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"
Two idiots were searching the city for something to do, but they only had two dollars on them. They didn't have enough money for any kind of fun, until they were walking around a corner and finally came to a drug store.
Then one idiot quickly entered the store, rushed out a little while later and announced to his friend, "Hey, we can have a lot of fun with this!"
The other idiot said, "What kind of fun can you have with a box of tampons ?"
The first idiot then said, "It say's right here on the box - You can swim, you can play tennis, you can even ride a horse with it."
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Granny. Goodbye Grandpa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died.
About a month or two later, the father heard his son saying his prayers again, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy. Goodbye Granny." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he was worried like hell.
The following day, he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed back in his office through lunch and dinner. Finally, late in the night he carefully drove home.
When he reached his house, it was past midnight and he was glad and greatly relieved that he was still alive! He said sorry to his wife for being late, saying that he had a very bad day at work. The wife told him her day was even worse, because the mailman dropped dead on their doorstep that morning!!!
A man sat by himself in a bar with a depressed look on his face. The bartender asked him why. He said, "Last night I was so drunk that after making love with my wife, I passed her a fifty dollar bill".
The bartender said that it was not a reason to feel sad.
"But you don't understand," the man said. "She gave me back $10".
A man sat down by a woman in a bar and said, "You know, this watch I'm wearing is magic. I can tell everything about someone by just looking at it."
"Prove it," she said.
"Well, for instance, I can tell you're not wearing any panties".
"But I am", she said.
"Oops!", he said. "This thing must be an hour fast".
Girlfriend : And are you really sure that you only love me and no one else?
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he wanted to reach the kitchen department in his building, so he dialed the number and shouted into the phone, "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly".
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension. Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No", replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God", replied the trainee and put down the phone.
I really don't know which Doctor wrote this, but I like him!
Health, Question and Answer Session.
Q : I've heard that Cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A : Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!
Q : Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A : You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable)
Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A : No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q : How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A : Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one , etc.
Q : What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A : Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is simple, No pain ...... Good!
Q : Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A : You're not listening!!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated
in it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q : Is chocolate bad for me?
A : Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's best feel-good food around!
Q : Is swimming good for my figure?
A : If swimming is good for your figure, explain Whales to me.
Q : Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A : Hey 'Round' is a shape!
Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And Remember : Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - Chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Woo Hoo, What a Ride"
Thangevelu Suppiah, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160mph and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great" he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police car behind him, with blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road , and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22, November, a day before Thanksgiving. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife, who is from Kerala, India ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman then said, "Have a nice day, Sir".
A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insisted that he had to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he went to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter," he stammered to the old man.
Seizing the opportunity to put down a high-brow from the city, the farmer told the boy, "Well, my boy, you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter."
"I'll do anything for my love," said the young man.
"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go and screw it."
A little puzzled, the boy said, "Okay, anything for my love" On his return after doing his deed he went to the man and asked, "Now can I marry your daughter?"
"Nope." said the father gleefully. "See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it."
Again the boy obliged without a single word. He returned and approached the old man, saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?"
"Nope. Not yet, one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it," the farmer said. Once again he obliged. This time, it took a while for the boy to come back.
The farmer was amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So when the boy came in after what seemed like a very long time, he finally told the boy, "Now, you can marry my daughter."
To which the boy replied, "Screw your daughter. How much do you want for that pig" !!!
I found something very interesting just the other day at my friends blog. It's called Viral Tag, and my friend over at Mariuca was so kind enough to have invited me to join this train. At first it looked somewhat a complicated mission, but upon closer examination I noticed, hey, this was easy. So anyway, I thought of sharing this whole thing with my readers, that's you.
All you need to do is Copy and Paste, that's it! But before you post it up, change, what is called the 'Host Tag' or another term 'Anchor Text' to a maximum of 3 words that best describes your blog. Next, you add those same description into a new available Viral Tag slot, and you're done. The original matrix (list and explanations) is here.
Remember the whole idea here is to increase the number of links back to your site and vice-versa, thus increasing your authority level at Technorati and so forth. My idea in this whole thing is to be able to have a better page rank and increased number of traffic. This I believe can be achieved through Viral Tag. So what are you waiting for, copy this!
Important: Once I get a ping back from you (I promise to do the best I can), I will add your anchor text and the associated link you designate as "Host Tag" here, replacing one of the "ViralTags" from the matrix above. As more and more bloggers copy and paste this matrix, the more backlinks you will have with your anchor text. If everybody who copy and paste from your blog does the same, pretty soon this will spread and go viral. So, the sooner you participate, the more links with anchor text you will receive.
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