THIS IS REAL FUNNY - ACTUAL LETTER TAKEN FROM THE TIMES OF INDIA .

RESPONSE TO A 'MARRIAGE PROPOSALS' ADVERTISEMENT!

Madam :

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore .

Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. Fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon


Yours and only yours

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. To make matters worse, he was asked to leave his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.

I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He Said :

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added : "And that woman was ... my Mother!"

There was laughter and applause from the audience.

A week later, a top manager trained by that same motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went ; "ah!" with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out, "... and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story : Don't copy, if you can't paste !

A little boy often heard thumping noises from his parent's bedroom. One night, he crept from his bedroom and peeked into his parents bedroom and saw his mom on top of his dad.

The next day he told his mom what he saw and wanted to know what she was doing on top of his dad. His mother was shocked and embarrassed at the same time. She tried to make it look very casual.

She said, "Oh, your daddy is too fat, so I was trying to slim him down."

The boy then immediately replied, "It's no use because the lady next door comes around when you're not in to blow him up again."

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read :

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read :

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

Sherlock Holmes and his pal Dr. Watson were out camping one night. Sherlock turned to Watson and asked, "What do you see?"

Watson answered, "I see millions and millions of stars in the sky."

Holmes said, "Yes, but what does it tell you?"

"Well, I can see Uranus is in Leo. From the position of the Hunter Cluster, I can deduce that the time now is about a quarter to two. Also, I can see that God is all powerful and we are small and insignificant in a limitless universe. And yes, the weather will be fine tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

"You dumb-head," Sherlock said, "someone has stolen our tent."

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Overheard at a party : "My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about sex. My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ...... Oh God, I miss him!!"

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Patient : Doctor, as soon as I fall asleep I start snoring.
Doctor : Is your snoring loud?
Patient : Yes, very.
Doctor : And does it bother your wife?
Patient : I'm not married.
Doctor : So you sleep alone? Then I guess it's not a problem.
Patient : Not a problem? I've been fired from five jobs because of it.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave the airport?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there, the Mayor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

Chief : "Governor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it then?"

Cop : "I think it's God!"

Chief : "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop : "He's got the fukkin' Pope as a chauffeur!"

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs :

In her 20's, they are more like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?", the son asked.

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry", said the father.

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter turned around and asked her mom, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?".

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through these three phases :

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree".

"A Christmas tree?", the daughter asked.

And to that, the mother replied, "Yes - the root's dead, and the balls are just for decorations!".

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, breakfast is prepared set alongside the morning paper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! While Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,... "LADY, LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!!"

Moral of the story :

Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "

Man : "Haven't we met before?"
Woman : "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
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Man : "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman : "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
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Man : "Is this seat empty?"
Woman : "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
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Man : "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman : "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
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Man : "Your place or mine?"
Woman : "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
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Man : "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman : "It's in the phone book."
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Man : "But I don't know your name."
Woman : "That's in the phone book too."
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Man : "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman : "I'm a female impersonator."
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Man : "I know how to please a woman."
Woman : "Then please leave me alone."
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Man : "I want to give myself to you."
Woman : "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
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Man : "I can tell that you want me."
Woman : "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you ... to leave."
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Man : "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman : "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
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Man : "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman : "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
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Man : "Your body is like a temple."
Woman : "Sorry, there are no services today."
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Man : "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman : "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
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Man : "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman : "Yes, but would you stay there?"

First Degree
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Second Degree
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Third Degree
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Fourth Degree
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy : W."

Fifth Degree
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

Sixth Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?"

"They send me a BLIND policeman."

Three businessmen, an Australian, Indian and a Japanese, were sitting naked in a sauna. All of a sudden, there was a beeping sound. The Indian businessman immediately pressed his forearm and the sound of the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager" he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."

The Aussie guy felt decidedly low tech at that moment, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Aussie finally said ......."Oh, will you look at that!! I'm getting a fax ..."

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"Well, you're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies.

"Ma'am, you're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"I'm really sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, yes, I know, but the way I look at it, you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start fishing at any moment. So, I'll have to take you in and write you up Ma'am."

"Well, if you do that, I'll charge you with sexual assault!" says the woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful husband!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

And the husband began -

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days !

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas which I made for you last night - remember, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas – the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because you said someone at work has the same pair.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued -

'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

God created the donkey and said to him "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered : "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him : "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years." The dog answered : "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years." God granted his wish.

God created the monkey and said to him : "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years." The monkey answered : "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

Finally God created man ... and said to him : "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded : "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted man's wish

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life!