God created the donkey and said to him "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered : "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him : "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years." The dog answered : "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years." God granted his wish.

God created the monkey and said to him : "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years." The monkey answered : "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

Finally God created man ... and said to him : "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded : "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted man's wish

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life!

A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.

He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?"

The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?"

One day a lion in a forest caught a small rabbit and threatened to eat it up unless he can tell him who was the King of the Forest. "You, oh mighty lion, are king of the forest." said the rabbit. The lion gave a nod of approval and let the rabbit go. The next day, the lion caught a deer and demanded, "Tell me, who is the king of the forest?" The deer replied, "Why, of course, you are. Everyone knows that." The lion was happy with the answer and let the deer go.

On the following day, the lion caught an elephant and demanded, "Tell me, who is king of the forest?" Without saying a word, the elephant caught hold of the lion by the tail, swung it over his head a few times and slammed him against a tree. Dazed and slowly brushing the dust from his body, the lion told the elephant, "Now ... there is no reason for you to get rough just because you don't know the answer!"

A circus owner advertised for a lion tamer but only two people applied, one a shapely lady and the other a young man. The circus owner warned them that the lion was very ferocious and had just eaten the last tamer. Both the applicants answered that they were not afraid and would like to have a go at it.

The lady chose to go first. Walking towards the lion's cage, she ignored the chair, the whip and the pistol the owner had provided them. She bravely entered the cage.

The lion immediately charged at her, growling and snarling and showing its teeth in threatening fashion. However, it stopped short of attacking. And then, surprisingly, it gave out a kittenish purr and snuggled close to the lady. First, pressing against the lady's face it gradually began kissing and licking all over her. After a while, it dropped on its hind legs and slumped down and rested against the thighs of the lady. The owner was utterly taken in. He turned to the young man and said, "Can you top that?"

"Sure," replied the young man. "Just get the lion out of the way."

This five year old girl came home from kindergarten one day with a 'connect-the-dot' project she had just completed. Her mother admired her work and, after praising her, sent her to play with her three year old sister in the living room. Some time later, the mother decided the girls were too quiet and went to investigate.

She found the two girls on the floor with the family pet. They were using marker pens to connect the dots on their Dalmatian!

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A judge told the man in front of him : "It's alcohol, and alcohol alone that's responsible for your condition."

He answered : "You've made me a very happy person. Everyone tells me it's all my fault."

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A monkey in a deep jungle looked at the explorer and said to the monkey beside him, "To heck with the Darwin theory - they're not going to make a man out of me."

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her, how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river to drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor. So, he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky, and two worms. "Now class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sat in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

There was this tribe and one of the tribesmen had committed a crime and death was the punishment. He went up to the leader of the tribe and said, "Look, I don't want to die, I'm young and I really have things going good before this. Is there anything I can do?"

The tribe leader replied, "Well, yeah, there is the three-hut test if you want to take it. If you pass, you won't be put to death." So the guy eagerly said, "Sure, I'll do it. What do I have to do?"

The leader replied, "There are 3 huts. In the first hut there is enough grog for an entire crew of a ship that would last for a week. If you go in there and drink all of it in 24 hours and come out alive you can go on to the second hut. In the second hut there is a lion that has an abysses on his tooth. It needs to be removed. If you can go in there and come out with the tooth you can go on to the last hut. In the last hut there is a woman who has never been satisfied in sex, if you can go in there and satisfy her, you will be free."

So the guy thought, "Yeah, I may as well; I don't have anything to lose." He went into the first hut and emerged a couple of hours pissed off his brain and staggered off, totally drunk, to the next hut. At the the next hut they all heard a lot of screaming and blood was flying out and shredded clothes were thrown everywhere.

When he finally came out everyone was shocked, he was still alive. He drunkenly asked them, "So, where's that sheila who needs the tooth pulled?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Mark was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Mark".

The teacher asked, "What if Mark went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there, he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"

The cowboy replied, "See them thar' sheep up on that hill. We just go get us one."

"That is disgusting and barbaric!" replied the lawyer.

After about three months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with!!"

A man and a woman were driving along the country-side when they saw a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stopped, and the woman got out, picked it up, and brought it into the car. She said, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

The man said, "Put it between your legs." She asked, "What about the smell?" and he replied, "Hold It's nose !!"

A club catering for the wealthy city woman visited a dairy farm as its monthly outing programme. Most of the ladies had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen a farm before. On the way, they looked out of the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Maggie, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him. He sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired. "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone : "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ones by putting a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is because .... it's a horse!

A rabbit was riding a motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocked on the window.

The driver of the car opened the window and asked, "Yes?"

The rabbit said, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver answered, "No, I haven't"

The rabbit rode on, until he saw the next car ahead of him. While passing it, he knocked on the window and when the driver opened the window, it asked, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver answered, "No, I haven't"

Then suddenly there was a curve on the road. The rabbit saw it too late and trying desperately to negotiate the bend, he skidded, crashed the barrier and landed on a ditch. A car stopped and a man ran to the unlucky rabbit.

Covered in blood and grimacing in pain, the rabbit asked him, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" the man answered, "Yes, I have. I had a Honda for twenty years."

And the rabbit asked, ....... "Where are the brakes?"