There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read :

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read :

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave the airport?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there, the Mayor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

Chief : "Governor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it then?"

Cop : "I think it's God!"

Chief : "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop : "He's got the fukkin' Pope as a chauffeur!"

God created the donkey and said to him "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered : "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him : "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years." The dog answered : "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years." God granted his wish.

God created the monkey and said to him : "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years." The monkey answered : "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

Finally God created man ... and said to him : "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded : "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted man's wish

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life!

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it, a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgement day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."

"Do you know what the letter said?"

"No?" ..... "You didn't get one either, huh?"

Husband : "Shall we change positions tonight?"
Wife : "Well, of course. You can cook and wash the dishes, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."

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This blonde's house caught fire. She called the fire department and said, "Help Me, Help Me, my house is on fire."

The fireman said, "How do I get there?"

The blonde said, "DUHHH with the big red truck of course."

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Why did God give nipples to women?
To make suckers out of man ...

Three contractors found themselves arriving at the pearly gates at the same time. St Peter greeted them and told them that the pearly gates were broken and in need of repair. He asked them each for estimates so God may choose a contractor to have the gates repaired.

The first contractor, Hugh Henderson, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 300 dollars. St Peter asked for an explanation. He was told 100 dollars was for materials, 100 dollars for labor and another 100 dollars for profit.

The second contractor, Andrew Hamilton, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 900 dollars. St Peter asked again and was told 300 dollars was for materials, 300 dollars for labor and another 300 dollars for profit.

The third contractor, Mark Rogers, took a look at the gates and announced an estimate of 2300 dollars. St Peter was taken back and asked Mark how he came upon such a high price. Mark took St Peter aside and whispered, "One thousand for me, one thousand for you, and we get Hugh Henderson to do it for 300 dollars!"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in a such a way that he will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Well ... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret ... you know, woman to woman"

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Granny. Goodbye Grandpa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died.

About a month or two later, the father heard his son saying his prayers again, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy. Goodbye Granny." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he was worried like hell.

The following day, he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed back in his office through lunch and dinner. Finally, late in the night he carefully drove home.

When he reached his house, it was past midnight and he was glad and greatly relieved that he was still alive! He said sorry to his wife for being late, saying that he had a very bad day at work. The wife told him her day was even worse, because the mailman dropped dead on their doorstep that morning!!!

A rich forty year old man had a heart attack and had to undergo surgery. While he was on the operating table, he saw God. So he said, "Is this it?" and God said, "No," and explained that he still had another 10-20 years more to live.

So while he was in the hospital he decided that since he had only 10-20 years more, he might as well make the best of it. So he decided to have a tummy tuck, plastic surgery, nose implant, etc. He even had his favourite hair stylist come in and change his hair colour.

As he was leaving the hospital, he was run over and killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.

When he got to heaven, he said to God, "I thought you said I had another 10-20 years to live?" God then replied, "Well, I didn't recognize you."