A little boy often heard thumping noises from his parent's bedroom. One night, he crept from his bedroom and peeked into his parents bedroom and saw his mom on top of his dad.

The next day he told his mom what he saw and wanted to know what she was doing on top of his dad. His mother was shocked and embarrassed at the same time. She tried to make it look very casual.

She said, "Oh, your daddy is too fat, so I was trying to slim him down."

The boy then immediately replied, "It's no use because the lady next door comes around when you're not in to blow him up again."

There was this boy whose father had just bought a new Mercedes. His father told him he could not get to drive the car unless he improved his grades in school, study the bible and had his hair cut.

A month passed and the father told him, "I'm rather proud of you. You have improved your grades and even your knowledge of the bible is now quite good. But there's one thing and that is, your hair is still long ..."

The boy protested, "But Adam had long hair, and so did Moses. Come to think of it, Jesus had long hair, too."

His father replied, "But they walked."

A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.

He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?"

The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?"

Two cannibals, a father and son, were out to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man.

The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed even the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother instead."

Little Timmy went up to his mother and said, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mom said, "Son, there are some questions you should never ask a lady, and that's one of them." The boy said, "Okay, Mommy. How much do you weigh?" She said, "Son, that's another question you should never ask a lady." The boy said, "Okay, Mommy. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The mom said, "Okay, that's enough questions for now. Why don't you go outside and play?"

Little Timmy went outside and saw a friend of his. He said to the friend, "I kept asking my mom all of these questions about herself, and she wouldn't answer them."

His resourceful friend said, "You know what you should do? You should go into her purse and look at her driver's license. They have all sorts of neat information on those."

Little Timmy thought it was a good idea. So, he went into the house and got his mom's driver's license, then looked it over. Then, he went to his mom, and said mischievously, "Guess what, mom? I looked at your driver's license, and now I know how old you are!" The mom said, "Really?" The boy said, "Yeah, you're 33! And I know how much you weigh, too!" The surprised mom said, "Oh, really?" Little Timmy said, "Yea, you weigh 150 pounds. And I also know why daddy divorced you, too!"

At this point, the paranoid mom said, "You do??" and Little Timmy said, "Yea, because you got an 'F' in sex!"

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Granny. Goodbye Grandpa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died.

About a month or two later, the father heard his son saying his prayers again, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy. Goodbye Granny." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he was worried like hell.

The following day, he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed back in his office through lunch and dinner. Finally, late in the night he carefully drove home.

When he reached his house, it was past midnight and he was glad and greatly relieved that he was still alive! He said sorry to his wife for being late, saying that he had a very bad day at work. The wife told him her day was even worse, because the mailman dropped dead on their doorstep that morning!!!