A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling," she replied. And so they had sex.

Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and said, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responded sympathetically and agreed to have sex.

Another 8 hours passed, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she was getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.

After they finished she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and said, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turned to him with a grimaced look on her face and said, "You know ... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"

There was this tribe and one of the tribesmen had committed a crime and death was the punishment. He went up to the leader of the tribe and said, "Look, I don't want to die, I'm young and I really have things going good before this. Is there anything I can do?"

The tribe leader replied, "Well, yeah, there is the three-hut test if you want to take it. If you pass, you won't be put to death." So the guy eagerly said, "Sure, I'll do it. What do I have to do?"

The leader replied, "There are 3 huts. In the first hut there is enough grog for an entire crew of a ship that would last for a week. If you go in there and drink all of it in 24 hours and come out alive you can go on to the second hut. In the second hut there is a lion that has an abysses on his tooth. It needs to be removed. If you can go in there and come out with the tooth you can go on to the last hut. In the last hut there is a woman who has never been satisfied in sex, if you can go in there and satisfy her, you will be free."

So the guy thought, "Yeah, I may as well; I don't have anything to lose." He went into the first hut and emerged a couple of hours pissed off his brain and staggered off, totally drunk, to the next hut. At the the next hut they all heard a lot of screaming and blood was flying out and shredded clothes were thrown everywhere.

When he finally came out everyone was shocked, he was still alive. He drunkenly asked them, "So, where's that sheila who needs the tooth pulled?"

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again, as the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what is wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what? 'So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'."

"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut.

The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she likes, and see what happens.

The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady, do you like sex?" to which she says, "Yes, I do." The man then tells her, "Well, then tell your husband to make use of you and stay away from my wife."

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest now went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest. "We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

After a long nite of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one or two words?"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight at night. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

When he entered the house, his wife demanded, "Where have you been?"

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b@#!!?#, you've been playing golf !"