Sherlock Holmes and his pal Dr. Watson were out camping one night. Sherlock turned to Watson and asked, "What do you see?"

Watson answered, "I see millions and millions of stars in the sky."

Holmes said, "Yes, but what does it tell you?"

"Well, I can see Uranus is in Leo. From the position of the Hunter Cluster, I can deduce that the time now is about a quarter to two. Also, I can see that God is all powerful and we are small and insignificant in a limitless universe. And yes, the weather will be fine tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

"You dumb-head," Sherlock said, "someone has stolen our tent."

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Overheard at a party : "My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about sex. My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ...... Oh God, I miss him!!"

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Patient : Doctor, as soon as I fall asleep I start snoring.
Doctor : Is your snoring loud?
Patient : Yes, very.
Doctor : And does it bother your wife?
Patient : I'm not married.
Doctor : So you sleep alone? Then I guess it's not a problem.
Patient : Not a problem? I've been fired from five jobs because of it.

A recent survey conducted in America showed that 10% of the men after making love rolled over and smoked a cigarette, another 10% got up and washed themselves while the remaining 80% dressed up and went home.

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Question : What do you have if you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

Answer : Not enough sand.

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In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton," 86% replied, "Not again".

This five year old girl came home from kindergarten one day with a 'connect-the-dot' project she had just completed. Her mother admired her work and, after praising her, sent her to play with her three year old sister in the living room. Some time later, the mother decided the girls were too quiet and went to investigate.

She found the two girls on the floor with the family pet. They were using marker pens to connect the dots on their Dalmatian!

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A judge told the man in front of him : "It's alcohol, and alcohol alone that's responsible for your condition."

He answered : "You've made me a very happy person. Everyone tells me it's all my fault."

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A monkey in a deep jungle looked at the explorer and said to the monkey beside him, "To heck with the Darwin theory - they're not going to make a man out of me."

Three women were having lunch and discussing their husbands. The first said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.

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A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife, "Jane, pack your things. I just won the lottery!" Jane replied, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responded, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

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Hear about the blonde with the AM radio? It took her a month to realize that she could play it at night.

Husband : "Shall we change positions tonight?"
Wife : "Well, of course. You can cook and wash the dishes, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."

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This blonde's house caught fire. She called the fire department and said, "Help Me, Help Me, my house is on fire."

The fireman said, "How do I get there?"

The blonde said, "DUHHH with the big red truck of course."

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Why did God give nipples to women?
To make suckers out of man ...

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. "Evening, boys. What are you doing?"

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all."

The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Pastor!"

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Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one afternoon, feeding the birds, when a big burly guy walked up, and sat down beside them on the bench. After a minute, one of the old lady's whispered to the other.

"Linda, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!"

"Oh my lord! Well, let's just leave, Jane," her friend replied with disgust.

"I can't," said the other. "He's using my hand."

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Two executives, Mark and Harry, staggered out of their company's holiday party in New York City. Harry crossed the street, while Mark stumbled into a subway entrance. When Harry reached the other side, he noticed Mark emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where've you been?" Harry slurred.

"I don't know," replied Mark, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

Young Son : Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad : That happens in every country, son.

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A man was complaining to a friend : "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then all of a sudden, BAM!, it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked his friend.

"My wife found out ......"

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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver!"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense : "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.

Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"

The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

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"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."

Two tiny, gray-haired women in a crowded lift were engrossed in an animated conversation.

One of them said loudly, "Well my fantasy has always been to have two men at the same time."

There was complete silence as everyone in the lift turned to stare at the woman who had made such an intimate disclosure. Then she laughed and continued, "One would do the cooking and the other would do the cleaning."

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A well dressed gentleman entered the bar of a five star restaurant, sat at the bar and ordered four rounds of the most expensive drinks. The bartender served them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumed all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender commented, "Wow, anybody that drinks like that has real problems."

The gentleman replied, "If you had what I have, you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asked, "What do you have?"

"Fifty Cents," the man answered.

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Why did the blonde take off all her clothes at the Laundromat?

Because the sign on the washing machine said, "When spinning stops, remove your clothes."

For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free", here's an update for you : Nowadays, 80% of woman are against marriage, Why? Because, women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!!!

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The young tots were asked why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk and the popular answers were :

1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.

One boy also added : "It comes in such cute containers!"

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A good looking man in a three piece suit stepped into an empty elevator and pressed the button for the 107th floor. Just before the door closed a gorgeous woman in a nearly microscopic skirt stepped in and looked at the control panel. As the door shut, she slid over to him and whispered, "You have 107 floors to make me feel like a real woman."

Having checked her out already, he wasted no time in tearing off his clothes and throwing them into a messy pile in the corner. Thinking hard about what she had asked for, he murmured, "Wash my clothes!"

Three women, a Japanese, a Korean and a Black woman were stranded after an airplane crash. The Japanese woman started gathering all of the clothes saying, "When they come to rescue us, they will take the best looking and dressed one."

The Korean woman started going for all the money and jewels saying, "When they come to rescue us, they will take the wealthiest one."

Then the Black woman started removing all of her clothes until she was stark naked saying, "When they come, they will look for the black box first!"

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A man was in a hotel lobby. He wanted to ask the clerk a question. As he turned to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumped into a woman beside him. As he did so, his elbow touched her breast. They were both quite startled.

The man turned to her and said, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replied, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 453!"


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An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."

"So, who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply.

"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."

A man sat by himself in a bar with a depressed look on his face. The bartender asked him why. He said, "Last night I was so drunk that after making love with my wife, I passed her a fifty dollar bill".

The bartender said that it was not a reason to feel sad.

"But you don't understand," the man said. "She gave me back $10".

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A man sat down by a woman in a bar and said, "You know, this watch I'm wearing is magic. I can tell everything about someone by just looking at it."

"Prove it," she said.

"Well, for instance, I can tell you're not wearing any panties".

"But I am", she said.

"Oops!", he said. "This thing must be an hour fast".

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Girlfriend : And are you really sure that you only love me and no one else?
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.