Man : "Haven't we met before?"
Woman : "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
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Man : "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman : "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
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Man : "Is this seat empty?"
Woman : "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
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Man : "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman : "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
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Man : "Your place or mine?"
Woman : "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
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Man : "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman : "It's in the phone book."
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Man : "But I don't know your name."
Woman : "That's in the phone book too."
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Man : "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman : "I'm a female impersonator."
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Man : "I know how to please a woman."
Woman : "Then please leave me alone."
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Man : "I want to give myself to you."
Woman : "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
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Man : "I can tell that you want me."
Woman : "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you ... to leave."
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Man : "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman : "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
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Man : "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman : "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
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Man : "Your body is like a temple."
Woman : "Sorry, there are no services today."
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Man : "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman : "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
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Man : "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman : "Yes, but would you stay there?"

First Degree
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Second Degree
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Third Degree
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Fourth Degree
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy : W."

Fifth Degree
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

Sixth Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?"

"They send me a BLIND policeman."

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"Well, you're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies.

"Ma'am, you're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"I'm really sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, yes, I know, but the way I look at it, you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start fishing at any moment. So, I'll have to take you in and write you up Ma'am."

"Well, if you do that, I'll charge you with sexual assault!" says the woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left.

A recent survey conducted in America showed that 10% of the men after making love rolled over and smoked a cigarette, another 10% got up and washed themselves while the remaining 80% dressed up and went home.

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Question : What do you have if you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

Answer : Not enough sand.

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In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton," 86% replied, "Not again".

Once there was this woman who was very flat across the upper body. She went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. Every night she cried and prayed for them to get larger. After several days of this, during one praying session, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared before her. With some magic words of liffiday-loffiday, balsshac, etc, she announced that the woman's breasts will grow an inch each time somebody said, 'pardon' to her. Then with a flash and the smell of potent magic smoke, the fairy godmother left.

Of course, the lady wanted to try out her godmother's spell immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and seeing a passerby, purposely collided with him and she promptly fell to the ground.

"Oh, pardon me. I'm sorry, are you alright?" the passerby said. "No, I'm fine," she replied hurriedly as she felt some tingling sensations on her breasts. She ran back to her apartment and checked herself. True enough, her breasts had grown by an inch!

At work, the following morning, she contrived to bump into the manager and spilt her coffee into her lap. "Pardon me! ... ," the manager said. She quickly replied, "It's alright ..." and ran into the bathroom and gleefully examined her breasts. She was delighted!

That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. As she sat there, a clumsy waiter passed by, tripped and spilt some aromatic dishes on her table. He said, "Oooooff!!," and after catching his balance, he turned to the woman with profuse apologetic intentions and said, "A thousand pardons!!"

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. After a couple of sips he looked up and saw a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He called the bartender over and said he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender said, "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian."

The man took a second, thought it over, shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's okay, I'd like to buy her a drink anyway."

So the bartender brought the woman her drink. The woman lifted her glass and gave our hero a nod of thanks. Encouraged, he got up from his bar stool and sauntered over to the woman. As he was sitting down on the stool next to her, he asked, "So, which part of Lesbia are you from?"

A circus owner advertised for a lion tamer but only two people applied, one a shapely lady and the other a young man. The circus owner warned them that the lion was very ferocious and had just eaten the last tamer. Both the applicants answered that they were not afraid and would like to have a go at it.

The lady chose to go first. Walking towards the lion's cage, she ignored the chair, the whip and the pistol the owner had provided them. She bravely entered the cage.

The lion immediately charged at her, growling and snarling and showing its teeth in threatening fashion. However, it stopped short of attacking. And then, surprisingly, it gave out a kittenish purr and snuggled close to the lady. First, pressing against the lady's face it gradually began kissing and licking all over her. After a while, it dropped on its hind legs and slumped down and rested against the thighs of the lady. The owner was utterly taken in. He turned to the young man and said, "Can you top that?"

"Sure," replied the young man. "Just get the lion out of the way."

At a recent women's annual convention, a lady went on stage to relate her experience. "After the last convention, I went back and told my husband I wasn't going to do the cooking anymore. On the first day, nothing happened. Even on the second day, nothing happened. But then on the third day, my husband prepared the most delicious dinner I'd had in years." There was approving applause from the listeners.

The next lady went on stage. "After the last convention, I went back and told my husband I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. On the first day, nothing happened. On the second day, nothing happened either. Then on the third day, my husband not only washed his own clothes but mine too." The applause from the listeners was long and loud.

Now, a third lady went on stage to share her experience. "After the last convention, I went back and told my husband I wasn't going to do the washing-up anymore. On the first day, nothing happened. On the second day, nothing happened. Then on the third day, I could see a bit through my left eye."

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her, how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river to drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Three women were having lunch and discussing their husbands. The first said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.

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A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife, "Jane, pack your things. I just won the lottery!" Jane replied, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responded, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

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Hear about the blonde with the AM radio? It took her a month to realize that she could play it at night.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the woman aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"First : Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. Then at lunch time, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. For dinner, fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores."

"Finally, and this part is very important : Have sex with him several times a week, and be sure to satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. " You're going to die!," she replied.

Here is a great way of getting many beautiful women. The instruction is self-explanatory. You only need to invest one woman in order to get a return of ten thousand women within 60 days.

This is not a scam. If you read the instructions carefully, you will find that the scheme is very logical if it is played with utmost honesty.

Just think about it, your initial investment is only your wife which is very, very small compared to the expected return of thousands of women. What have you got to lose?

Don't break the chain! Just add your name and address to the bottom of the list and send your wife to the top name on this list. Then, send five copies of the letter to your friends. Within 60 days, you will receive about 10,000 women! If you don't like them, send them back! Just keep the ones you want!

Remember, don't break the chain! Terrible, terrible things will happen to you if you break the chain.

One guy broke the chain ....... and got his wife back!!!

A man and a woman were driving along the country-side when they saw a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stopped, and the woman got out, picked it up, and brought it into the car. She said, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

The man said, "Put it between your legs." She asked, "What about the smell?" and he replied, "Hold It's nose !!"

A man dialed his home phone number from work. A strange woman answered the phone.

Man : "Who is this?"
Woman : "This is the maid."
Man : "We don't have a maid!"
Woman : "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
Man : "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
Woman : "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

(The man was shocked and furious.)

Man : "Listen, would like to make $50,000?"
Woman : "What do I have to do?"
Man : "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the hall and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

(The woman puts down the phone and the man could hear footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshot's. A while later the woman came back to the phone.)

Woman : "What should I do with the bodies?"
Man : "Just throw them in the swimming pool!"
Woman : "Swimming pool? There's no pool."

(Long pause)

Man : "Uh ..... is this 873 - 6833 ??"

One day a young lady clutched a newborn baby and approached the butcher at the market stall saying that what she held in her arms was a product of their liaison. The butcher accepted responsibility and grudgingly agreed to provide for the child until he turned sixteen.

And so each week, meat on the dinner table was provided by the butcher. Then came the day when the boy turned sixteen. The boy was at the butcher's to collect the meat for the last time. The butcher cut a bigger slice of the choicest meat and told the boy, "Tell your mother that this is going to be the last piece of meat from me. Go watch the expression on her face."

When the boy told his mother what the butcher had said, she told him, "Well, tell him that we have also free bread and free milk from the grocery for the past sixteen years. Go watch the expression on his face."