There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was frequently disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelons patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read : 'Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.' The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign.

When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read : 'Now there are two!!'

A Texan farmer went to Australia for a vacation. There he met an Australian farmer and got talking to him. The Australian farmer showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walked around the ranch a little, and the Australian showed off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately said, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cattle."

The conversation had, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked the Australian farmer, "And what are those?"

The Australian farmer replied with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas, mate?"

A club catering for the wealthy city woman visited a dairy farm as its monthly outing programme. Most of the ladies had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen a farm before. On the way, they looked out of the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Maggie, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him. He sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired. "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone : "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ones by putting a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is because .... it's a horse!

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insisted that he had to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he went to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter," he stammered to the old man.

Seizing the opportunity to put down a high-brow from the city, the farmer told the boy, "Well, my boy, you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter."

"I'll do anything for my love," said the young man.

"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go and screw it."

A little puzzled, the boy said, "Okay, anything for my love" On his return after doing his deed he went to the man and asked, "Now can I marry your daughter?"

"Nope." said the father gleefully. "See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it."

Again the boy obliged without a single word. He returned and approached the old man, saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?"

"Nope. Not yet, one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it," the farmer said. Once again he obliged. This time, it took a while for the boy to come back.

The farmer was amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So when the boy came in after what seemed like a very long time, he finally told the boy, "Now, you can marry my daughter."

To which the boy replied, "Screw your daughter. How much do you want for that pig" !!!