A little boy often heard thumping noises from his parent's bedroom. One night, he crept from his bedroom and peeked into his parents bedroom and saw his mom on top of his dad.

The next day he told his mom what he saw and wanted to know what she was doing on top of his dad. His mother was shocked and embarrassed at the same time. She tried to make it look very casual.

She said, "Oh, your daddy is too fat, so I was trying to slim him down."

The boy then immediately replied, "It's no use because the lady next door comes around when you're not in to blow him up again."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs :

In her 20's, they are more like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?", the son asked.

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry", said the father.

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter turned around and asked her mom, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?".

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through these three phases :

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree".

"A Christmas tree?", the daughter asked.

And to that, the mother replied, "Yes - the root's dead, and the balls are just for decorations!".

Man : "Haven't we met before?"
Woman : "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
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Man : "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman : "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
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Man : "Is this seat empty?"
Woman : "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
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Man : "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman : "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
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Man : "Your place or mine?"
Woman : "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
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Man : "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman : "It's in the phone book."
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Man : "But I don't know your name."
Woman : "That's in the phone book too."
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Man : "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman : "I'm a female impersonator."
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Man : "I know how to please a woman."
Woman : "Then please leave me alone."
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Man : "I want to give myself to you."
Woman : "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
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Man : "I can tell that you want me."
Woman : "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you ... to leave."
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Man : "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman : "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
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Man : "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman : "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
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Man : "Your body is like a temple."
Woman : "Sorry, there are no services today."
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Man : "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman : "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
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Man : "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman : "Yes, but would you stay there?"

A professor was explaining the Metaphysics of Morals : "In order for something to be an object of our practical existence, it must be capable of moving us to try to bring it into existence. For example, if I desire shelter from rain, the concept of a lean-to is capable of moving me to cut branches, tie them together, and set them at an angle to the ground."

Someone from the back of the class added : "Or you could buy an umbrella."

Little Timmy went up to his mother and said, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mom said, "Son, there are some questions you should never ask a lady, and that's one of them." The boy said, "Okay, Mommy. How much do you weigh?" She said, "Son, that's another question you should never ask a lady." The boy said, "Okay, Mommy. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The mom said, "Okay, that's enough questions for now. Why don't you go outside and play?"

Little Timmy went outside and saw a friend of his. He said to the friend, "I kept asking my mom all of these questions about herself, and she wouldn't answer them."

His resourceful friend said, "You know what you should do? You should go into her purse and look at her driver's license. They have all sorts of neat information on those."

Little Timmy thought it was a good idea. So, he went into the house and got his mom's driver's license, then looked it over. Then, he went to his mom, and said mischievously, "Guess what, mom? I looked at your driver's license, and now I know how old you are!" The mom said, "Really?" The boy said, "Yeah, you're 33! And I know how much you weigh, too!" The surprised mom said, "Oh, really?" Little Timmy said, "Yea, you weigh 150 pounds. And I also know why daddy divorced you, too!"

At this point, the paranoid mom said, "You do??" and Little Timmy said, "Yea, because you got an 'F' in sex!"

I really don't know which Doctor wrote this, but I like him!

Health, Question and Answer Session.

Q : I've heard that Cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A : Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!

Q : Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A : You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable)

Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A : No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q : How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A : Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one , etc.

Q : What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A : Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is simple, No pain ...... Good!

Q : Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A : You're not listening!!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated
in it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q : Is chocolate bad for me?
A : Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's best feel-good food around!

Q : Is swimming good for my figure?
A : If swimming is good for your figure, explain Whales to me.

Q : Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A : Hey 'Round' is a shape!

Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And Remember : Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - Chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Woo Hoo, What a Ride"