Sherlock Holmes and his pal Dr. Watson were out camping one night. Sherlock turned to Watson and asked, "What do you see?"

Watson answered, "I see millions and millions of stars in the sky."

Holmes said, "Yes, but what does it tell you?"

"Well, I can see Uranus is in Leo. From the position of the Hunter Cluster, I can deduce that the time now is about a quarter to two. Also, I can see that God is all powerful and we are small and insignificant in a limitless universe. And yes, the weather will be fine tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

"You dumb-head," Sherlock said, "someone has stolen our tent."

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Overheard at a party : "My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about sex. My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ...... Oh God, I miss him!!"

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Patient : Doctor, as soon as I fall asleep I start snoring.
Doctor : Is your snoring loud?
Patient : Yes, very.
Doctor : And does it bother your wife?
Patient : I'm not married.
Doctor : So you sleep alone? Then I guess it's not a problem.
Patient : Not a problem? I've been fired from five jobs because of it.

A man had a blown tyre next to an asylum. While changing the tyre, he noticed a patient leaning over the wall looking at what he was doing with keen interest. Before he could replace the wheel, he realised that all four screws had rolled down the slope, dropped into the drain and could not be retrieved.

While pondering what to do, the patient suggested that he took out one screw from each of the other wheels to fix on the last wheel. In this way he would be able to drive to the nearest gas station to have his problems fixed.

The man was naturally impressed and complimented the patient for his wise suggestion. The patient replied, "It's nothing, actually. You see, I may be mad, but I am not stupid!"

A guy went in to see a psychiatrist to get an evaluation of his problem. The doctor began simply, by saying he would draw a picture on a piece of paper and the patient was supposed to tell him the first thing that came to his mind.

The patient said he understood the instructions and the doctor began by drawing a picture of a tree. The man looked at the picture and said, "Sex."

The doctor said, "Okay," and then drew a picture of a house. The guy looked again and said, "Sex."

This went on the same way with the doctor drawing pictures of a bike, a bird, and a car. The answer was always "Sex, sex, sex."

The doctor paused and said to the man, "I think I know what your problem is, you are obsessed with sex!"

And the patient replied, "Me?...... You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!!"