Two men were waiting for the heaven's gate to open. "How did you die?" one man asked the other. "From Freezing," the other man answered.

"How did it feel?" the first man wanted to know, "At first it was quite bad; I felt my whole body go numb and crack but soon it kind of wear off. Then I felt a sensation of peacefulness and the whole thing became an almost enjoyable experience. Anyway, come to think of it, how did you die?"

"From a heart attack. I suspected that my wife was cheating on me. Hoping to catch that sneaky man, I came home early one day unannounced and rushed into the bedroom, taking three and four steps at a time. I couldn't find him, so I ran down the stairs straight into the basement. I couldn't find him there either. Then I rushed up the stairs again to the attic. My weak heart couldn't take all these and I collapsed."

The other man then said, "If you had stopped to look in the freezer, we'd still be alive."

There's this pair of really bad guys. They have been pals their whole lives and together they have done some pretty rotten things. One night they're riding in a stolen convertible, when, all of a sudden, they cross paths with an eighteen-wheeler. One of them is killed instantly. The other hangs on for a few days but finally gives up to the ghost.

He arrives in the hereafter and sees his buddy already surrounded by bottles of wine and beautiful women. Stunned but very happy, the second guy wanders over to his friend who's sitting in a big easy chair watching the babes stroll by and says, "Man, this is great! Did ya ever think we'd get into heaven?"

His friend looks at him and sighs wearily, "This ain't Heaven."

The second guy says, "What d'ya mean, 'This ain't Heaven'? Look at all this wine. Look at all these women."

His friend says, "You see the wine bottles everywhere? They all have holes at the bottom." He pauses to let this sink in, then he says, "And you see all these beautiful women? Well ... they don't."

Three contractors found themselves arriving at the pearly gates at the same time. St Peter greeted them and told them that the pearly gates were broken and in need of repair. He asked them each for estimates so God may choose a contractor to have the gates repaired.

The first contractor, Hugh Henderson, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 300 dollars. St Peter asked for an explanation. He was told 100 dollars was for materials, 100 dollars for labor and another 100 dollars for profit.

The second contractor, Andrew Hamilton, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 900 dollars. St Peter asked again and was told 300 dollars was for materials, 300 dollars for labor and another 300 dollars for profit.

The third contractor, Mark Rogers, took a look at the gates and announced an estimate of 2300 dollars. St Peter was taken back and asked Mark how he came upon such a high price. Mark took St Peter aside and whispered, "One thousand for me, one thousand for you, and we get Hugh Henderson to do it for 300 dollars!"