After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave the airport?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there, the Mayor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

Chief : "Governor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it then?"

Cop : "I think it's God!"

Chief : "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop : "He's got the fukkin' Pope as a chauffeur!"

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out there was damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him ad said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a lady a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the other corner.

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was an older man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young girl in the back seat calmly chewing bubble gum. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's chewing bubble gum."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you?"

"I'm forty-five," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.

He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of zero. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Thangevelu Suppiah, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160mph and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great" he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police car behind him, with blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road , and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22, November, a day before Thanksgiving. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife, who is from Kerala, India ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman then said, "Have a nice day, Sir".

A priest went to a barber shop to have his hair cut. When he took out his wallet to pay the barber, the barber refused to accept the money, saying, "You are a good man; you do the work of God. I cannot accept your money." The next morning, when he opened his shop and there on the steps were twelve copies of the bible, compliments from the priest.

Later in the day, a policeman came in to have his hair cut. The barber refused to accept payment, saying, "You are a good man; you uphold the law and make our streets safe. I cannot accept your money." The next morning, when he opened his shop and there on the steps were twelve doughnuts, compliments from the policeman.

Later in the day, a lawyer came in to have his hair cut. The barber refused to accept payment, saying, "You are a good man; you see that our judicial system runs smoothly. I cannot accept your payment." The next morning, the barber opened his shop and found .... twelve lawyer's waiting in line !!