During a group counseling course, husbands were separated from their wives and were told to stand in line. Husbands who were dominated by their wives were to stand in line on the left, while those who dominated their wives were to stand in line on the right.
There was a very long line on the left, while only one man stood on the right.
The counselor asked, "Can you tell the group as to why you believe you deserve to be on this line?"
"I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, 'NEVER UP, NEVER IN' "
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers he saw walking along the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer, he swerved to hit him, waited to hear a loud "THUMP" and swerved back to the road. One day, as the truck driver was tooling along, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
He asked, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. The trucker saw a lawyer walking along and instinctively swerved to hit him. But remembering there was a priest in the truck, he swerved back onto the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he heard a loud "THUD" and glanced in the rear-view mirror to see the lawyer laying alongside the road.
He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I swerved and thought I missed that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
Three contractors found themselves arriving at the pearly gates at the same time. St Peter greeted them and told them that the pearly gates were broken and in need of repair. He asked them each for estimates so God may choose a contractor to have the gates repaired.
The first contractor, Hugh Henderson, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 300 dollars. St Peter asked for an explanation. He was told 100 dollars was for materials, 100 dollars for labor and another 100 dollars for profit.
The second contractor, Andrew Hamilton, examined the gates and announced an estimate of 900 dollars. St Peter asked again and was told 300 dollars was for materials, 300 dollars for labor and another 300 dollars for profit.
The third contractor, Mark Rogers, took a look at the gates and announced an estimate of 2300 dollars. St Peter was taken back and asked Mark how he came upon such a high price. Mark took St Peter aside and whispered, "One thousand for me, one thousand for you, and we get Hugh Henderson to do it for 300 dollars!"
Young Son : Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad : That happens in every country, son.
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A man was complaining to a friend : "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then all of a sudden, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend.
"My wife found out ......"
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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver!"
A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you like sex?" and she slams the door shut.
The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she likes, and see what happens.
The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady, do you like sex?" to which she says, "Yes, I do." The man then tells her, "Well, then tell your husband to make use of you and stay away from my wife."
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest now went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest. "We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in a such a way that he will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Well ... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret ... you know, woman to woman"
