A man moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, he cut one in half and sent her the top part. Later he received another letter asking him to send another picture to his grandmother. The man cut another picture he had in half, but accidentally sent the bottom half. He was really worried when he realized that he had sent the wrong part, but then remembered how bad his grandmother's eyesight was and hoped she would not notice. A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother. It said, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle ... it makes your nose look long!"

Men are like .......

1. Men are like .. Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like .. Bananas .... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like .. Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .. Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .. Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .. Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like .. Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .. Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like .. Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .. Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like .. Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped!

For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free", here's an update for you : Nowadays, 80% of woman are against marriage, Why? Because, women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!!!

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The young tots were asked why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk and the popular answers were :

1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.

One boy also added : "It comes in such cute containers!"

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A good looking man in a three piece suit stepped into an empty elevator and pressed the button for the 107th floor. Just before the door closed a gorgeous woman in a nearly microscopic skirt stepped in and looked at the control panel. As the door shut, she slid over to him and whispered, "You have 107 floors to make me feel like a real woman."

Having checked her out already, he wasted no time in tearing off his clothes and throwing them into a messy pile in the corner. Thinking hard about what she had asked for, he murmured, "Wash my clothes!"

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their head and ass are interchangeable!!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the woman aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"First : Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. Then at lunch time, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. For dinner, fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores."

"Finally, and this part is very important : Have sex with him several times a week, and be sure to satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. " You're going to die!," she replied.

Catching a great comedy movie is becoming harder these days as most of them only have a couple of their moments within the whole movie. It's always hard to forget a good one from the past though, and all of a sudden I found a review at Nihal's site on this great classic comedy, that brought back some good memories; The Party, starring Peter Sellers. Boy, this movie was totally awesome right from the start.

Managed to find a short video taken off the movie, and thought of sharing it with all of you. And, if you ever get a chance, try to to get hold of this movie, it's available on DVD, and trust me, you'll have a good laugh watching it.

This particular scene catches Peter Sellers as he tries very hard to locate a vacant men's-room and can't seem to control it any longer, if you know what I mean??? Watch this video, you'll understand.

Here is a great way of getting many beautiful women. The instruction is self-explanatory. You only need to invest one woman in order to get a return of ten thousand women within 60 days.

This is not a scam. If you read the instructions carefully, you will find that the scheme is very logical if it is played with utmost honesty.

Just think about it, your initial investment is only your wife which is very, very small compared to the expected return of thousands of women. What have you got to lose?

Don't break the chain! Just add your name and address to the bottom of the list and send your wife to the top name on this list. Then, send five copies of the letter to your friends. Within 60 days, you will receive about 10,000 women! If you don't like them, send them back! Just keep the ones you want!

Remember, don't break the chain! Terrible, terrible things will happen to you if you break the chain.

One guy broke the chain ....... and got his wife back!!!

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there, he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"

The cowboy replied, "See them thar' sheep up on that hill. We just go get us one."

"That is disgusting and barbaric!" replied the lawyer.

After about three months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with!!"

A rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She had hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"

A man and a woman were driving along the country-side when they saw a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stopped, and the woman got out, picked it up, and brought it into the car. She said, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

The man said, "Put it between your legs." She asked, "What about the smell?" and he replied, "Hold It's nose !!"

There was this man who was in a horrible accident and had both of his ears amputated. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about him having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company and decided to own a business of his own. So, he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

A businessman walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer said the bank would need some kind of security for such a loan. So, the businessman handed over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The businessman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Little Timmy went up to his mother and said, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mom said, "Son, there are some questions you should never ask a lady, and that's one of them." The boy said, "Okay, Mommy. How much do you weigh?" She said, "Son, that's another question you should never ask a lady." The boy said, "Okay, Mommy. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The mom said, "Okay, that's enough questions for now. Why don't you go outside and play?"

Little Timmy went outside and saw a friend of his. He said to the friend, "I kept asking my mom all of these questions about herself, and she wouldn't answer them."

His resourceful friend said, "You know what you should do? You should go into her purse and look at her driver's license. They have all sorts of neat information on those."

Little Timmy thought it was a good idea. So, he went into the house and got his mom's driver's license, then looked it over. Then, he went to his mom, and said mischievously, "Guess what, mom? I looked at your driver's license, and now I know how old you are!" The mom said, "Really?" The boy said, "Yeah, you're 33! And I know how much you weigh, too!" The surprised mom said, "Oh, really?" Little Timmy said, "Yea, you weigh 150 pounds. And I also know why daddy divorced you, too!"

At this point, the paranoid mom said, "You do??" and Little Timmy said, "Yea, because you got an 'F' in sex!"

An old couple sat down to have breakfast on their Fiftieth Anniversary, stark naked. The wife said, "Oh John, this is just like fifty years ago ....... my breasts feel all warm and tingly ......" Then the husband said, "They ought to, Maggie ..... one's hanging in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee!!!"

A club catering for the wealthy city woman visited a dairy farm as its monthly outing programme. Most of the ladies had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen a farm before. On the way, they looked out of the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Maggie, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him. He sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired. "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone : "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ones by putting a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is because .... it's a horse!

Three women, a Japanese, a Korean and a Black woman were stranded after an airplane crash. The Japanese woman started gathering all of the clothes saying, "When they come to rescue us, they will take the best looking and dressed one."

The Korean woman started going for all the money and jewels saying, "When they come to rescue us, they will take the wealthiest one."

Then the Black woman started removing all of her clothes until she was stark naked saying, "When they come, they will look for the black box first!"

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A man was in a hotel lobby. He wanted to ask the clerk a question. As he turned to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumped into a woman beside him. As he did so, his elbow touched her breast. They were both quite startled.

The man turned to her and said, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replied, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 453!"


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An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."

"So, who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply.

"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."

A man woke up one morning, looked out the window, and saw a huge gorilla in the tree in his back yard. Feeling very nervous, he grabbed the phone book and looked up 'gorilla exterminators' in the Yellow Pages.

He called the exterminator, who said he would be right out. The exterminator arrived in a van, hopped out, and opened the door. He took out a large net, a shotgun, and a fierce-looking dog.

"OK", he said, "this is how it works, I climb the tree and shake it and the gorilla falls to the ground. The dog runs over and bites him in a vital spot. While he's disabled, you throw the net over him. I'll come down and we'll tie him up".

As the exterminator started up the tree, the man called, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The exterminator said, "Sometimes when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes it back and I fall out of the tree. If that happens ...... you shoot the dog".