This new guy gets hired on at a utilities store. The owner puts him through a period of training to teach him to be a good salesman. He says, "The best way to be a good salesman is to take a small sale and turn it into a big sale. For example, do you see the guy coming in the door right now, watch this." The owner goes over to the guy and says, "Sir, can I help you with something?" And the guy says, "Yea, I need a garden hose."

"Well, I got just what you need."

The owner goes back into the backroom for about five minutes and comes back with a wheelbarrow, a rake, a hoe, a pick, a shovel, and a bag of lawn seed with a garden hose on top. The guy says, "What the hell is all of this stuff for I don't need any of this shit?"

The owner says, "Listen sir, by the time you go over to your neighbours and borrow the rake and the hoe, and you go over to your mother-in-laws and borrow the wheelbarrow, and the rest of this stuff, you might as well buy it here."

The guy says, "You know something, you have a point, I'll buy it."

Then the owner goes over to the new guy and says, "It's your turn to try it on this lady coming in the door."

So, the kid goes up to her and says, "Ma'am, can I help you?" She says, "I need a box of tampons." "I got just what you need," He goes in the back room for about five minutes and comes back with a wheelbarrow, a rake, a hoe, a pick, a shovel, and a box of tampons right on top.

The lady says, "What the fuck is this shit for, I only need a box of tampons."

The new guy says, "Listen lady, you ain't going to be fucking for a week, so you might as well do some work around the yard."

After a long nite of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Melinda was a 92 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Greg. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Greg's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Melinda was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense : "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.

Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"

The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

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"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon, the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again, the new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again, they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later, they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again, the new man yells down from high above, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "And we said, we're not screwing!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are going at it. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

A wealthy aristocrat was hosting a party at his estate, which had been in his family for generations. He noticed that one of his guests bore a striking resemblance to himself. He could not believe that such a similarity could exist with no genetic link, so guessing that his father had sown some wild oats, he approached the guest and asked with a smirk, "Was your mother ever a maid here?"

The guest replied, "No, but my father used to be the gardener."

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. What was the best way to find out who to marry? So, he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make-over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and made a conclusion ...... he married the one with the biggest breast !!!

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.

He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of zero. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light, and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light, and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He happily continues again, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light, and he turns into...... a box of chocolates.

A hobo came up to the front door of a beautiful house and rapped gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked him, "Please sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner said, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So, the hobo went around back and a while later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already?" The hobo said, "Yes ...... But, it isn't a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."