An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one or two words?"

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York city restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She says "What the hell do you guy's think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED"

A guy went in to see a psychiatrist to get an evaluation of his problem. The doctor began simply, by saying he would draw a picture on a piece of paper and the patient was supposed to tell him the first thing that came to his mind.

The patient said he understood the instructions and the doctor began by drawing a picture of a tree. The man looked at the picture and said, "Sex."

The doctor said, "Okay," and then drew a picture of a house. The guy looked again and said, "Sex."

This went on the same way with the doctor drawing pictures of a bike, a bird, and a car. The answer was always "Sex, sex, sex."

The doctor paused and said to the man, "I think I know what your problem is, you are obsessed with sex!"

And the patient replied, "Me?...... You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!!"

Two tiny, gray-haired women in a crowded lift were engrossed in an animated conversation.

One of them said loudly, "Well my fantasy has always been to have two men at the same time."

There was complete silence as everyone in the lift turned to stare at the woman who had made such an intimate disclosure. Then she laughed and continued, "One would do the cooking and the other would do the cleaning."

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A well dressed gentleman entered the bar of a five star restaurant, sat at the bar and ordered four rounds of the most expensive drinks. The bartender served them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumed all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender commented, "Wow, anybody that drinks like that has real problems."

The gentleman replied, "If you had what I have, you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asked, "What do you have?"

"Fifty Cents," the man answered.

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Why did the blonde take off all her clothes at the Laundromat?

Because the sign on the washing machine said, "When spinning stops, remove your clothes."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Mark was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Mark".

The teacher asked, "What if Mark went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A sex researcher was doing a survey at a local university. A student said to the sex researcher, "In my case, when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing."

"Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis," the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."

So the student shrugged, and stuck out his tongue.

The bright young man working in the supermarket was approached by a customer who wanted to buy half a head of cabbage. "Sir, we can't sell half a head of cabbage," he explained. The customer persisted and the young man agreed to check with the store manager.

He found the manager and said, "Sir, I've got some nut who wants to buy half a head of cabbage." Just as he finished his statement he saw that the customer had followed him and was standing next to him. Immediately, he said, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

"Sell it." the manager said.

Later, the manager took the youth aside. "That was quick thinking," he said. "We need bright young men like you, and I'm going to keep my eyes open on your behalf."

"Thank You, Sir." the young man said.

A month later he was summoned by the manager. "Well, my lad, I told you I'd watch out for you, and indeed I have. I've recommended you for an assistant manager's job in our new store in Montreal....."

"Montreal!" the young man exclaimed. "Why, nothing comes from there except prostitutes and hockey players!"

The manager said, "Listen, young fellow, my wife comes from there!"

Without missing a beat, the young man replied, "No kidding! What position does she play?"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight at night. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

When he entered the house, his wife demanded, "Where have you been?"

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b@#!!?#, you've been playing golf !"