Excerpts taken from court proceedings that I thought was really silly and funny too. These are actually things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q : Are you sexually active?
A : No, I just lie there!

Q : What is your date of birth?
A : July 15th.
Q : What year?
A : Every year!

Q : What gear were you in, at the moment of impact?
A : Gucci sweats and Reebok!

Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it effect your memory at all?
A : Yes.
Q : And in what ways does it effect your memory?
A : I forget!
Q : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten???

Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?
A : Thirty-three or thirty-six, I can't remember which.
Q : How long has he lived with you?
A : Forty-three years.

Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A : He said, "Where am I, Christy?"
Q : And why did that upset you?
A : My name is Evon!

Q : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A : We both do.
Q : Voodoo?
A : We do.
Q : You do?
A : Yes, Voodoo.

Q : Now Doctor, isn't it true when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q : Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q : So, the date of your conception of your baby was July 9th?
A : Yes.
Q : And what were you doing at that time?

Q : She had three children right?
A : Yes.
Q : How many were boys?
A : None.
Q : Were there any girls?

Q : How was your first marriage terminated?
A : By death.
Q : And by whose death was it terminated?

Q : Can you describe the individual?
A : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male or female?

Q : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A : No, this is how I dress when I go to work!

Q : Doctor, how many autopsies have you done on dead people?
A : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q : ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A : Oral!

Q : Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A : The autopsy started around 7:30 pm
Q : And Mr Wellington was dead at that time?
A : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A : No.
Q : Did you check for blood pressure?
A : No.
Q : Did you check for breathing?
A : No.
Q : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A : No.
Q : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!

A man called his doctor to say that he no longer felt any urge for his wife and he was worried that it may be spoiling their marriage. So the doctor advised him to come in with his wife the next day.

At the clinic, the doctor asked the wife to fully undress and lie on the bed. He then approached the bed and stared at the woman for a few minutes with full concentration.

He then moved away from the woman and came near to the husband and told him in whisper, "There is nothing wrong with you. She doesn't give me a hard-on either!"

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girls breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight. You haven't any milk!"

"Of course, not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

Two guys from Hungary migrated to America. On their first day off the boat, they were wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time neared, they came up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.

One said to the other in a shocked tone, "My God, they eat dogs in America?"


"I can't believe it!" said the other, equally appalled.
"Well," said the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

They approached the vendor bravely.
"Two hot dogs, please."

The vendor handed them their food in paper bags. The two immigrants sat on a park bench to eat their lunch.

One looked inside his bag, hesitated and turned to his partner and said, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

Two idiots were searching the city for something to do, but they only had two dollars on them. They didn't have enough money for any kind of fun, until they were walking around a corner and finally came to a drug store.

Then one idiot quickly entered the store, rushed out a little while later and announced to his friend, "Hey, we can have a lot of fun with this!"

The other idiot said, "What kind of fun can you have with a box of tampons ?"

The first idiot then said, "It say's right here on the box - You can swim, you can play tennis, you can even ride a horse with it."

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Granny. Goodbye Grandpa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died.

About a month or two later, the father heard his son saying his prayers again, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy. Goodbye Granny." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he was worried like hell.

The following day, he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed back in his office through lunch and dinner. Finally, late in the night he carefully drove home.

When he reached his house, it was past midnight and he was glad and greatly relieved that he was still alive! He said sorry to his wife for being late, saying that he had a very bad day at work. The wife told him her day was even worse, because the mailman dropped dead on their doorstep that morning!!!

A man sat by himself in a bar with a depressed look on his face. The bartender asked him why. He said, "Last night I was so drunk that after making love with my wife, I passed her a fifty dollar bill".

The bartender said that it was not a reason to feel sad.

"But you don't understand," the man said. "She gave me back $10".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man sat down by a woman in a bar and said, "You know, this watch I'm wearing is magic. I can tell everything about someone by just looking at it."

"Prove it," she said.

"Well, for instance, I can tell you're not wearing any panties".

"But I am", she said.

"Oops!", he said. "This thing must be an hour fast".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Girlfriend : And are you really sure that you only love me and no one else?
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he wanted to reach the kitchen department in his building, so he dialed the number and shouted into the phone, "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly".

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension. Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No", replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No", replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God", replied the trainee and put down the phone.

I really don't know which Doctor wrote this, but I like him!

Health, Question and Answer Session.

Q : I've heard that Cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A : Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!

Q : Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A : You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable)

Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A : No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q : How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A : Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one , etc.

Q : What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A : Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is simple, No pain ...... Good!

Q : Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A : You're not listening!!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated
in it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q : Is chocolate bad for me?
A : Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's best feel-good food around!

Q : Is swimming good for my figure?
A : If swimming is good for your figure, explain Whales to me.

Q : Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A : Hey 'Round' is a shape!

Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And Remember : Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - Chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Woo Hoo, What a Ride"

Thangevelu Suppiah, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160mph and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great" he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police car behind him, with blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road , and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22, November, a day before Thanksgiving. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife, who is from Kerala, India ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman then said, "Have a nice day, Sir".

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insisted that he had to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he went to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter," he stammered to the old man.

Seizing the opportunity to put down a high-brow from the city, the farmer told the boy, "Well, my boy, you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter."

"I'll do anything for my love," said the young man.

"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go and screw it."

A little puzzled, the boy said, "Okay, anything for my love" On his return after doing his deed he went to the man and asked, "Now can I marry your daughter?"

"Nope." said the father gleefully. "See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it."

Again the boy obliged without a single word. He returned and approached the old man, saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?"

"Nope. Not yet, one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it," the farmer said. Once again he obliged. This time, it took a while for the boy to come back.

The farmer was amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So when the boy came in after what seemed like a very long time, he finally told the boy, "Now, you can marry my daughter."

To which the boy replied, "Screw your daughter. How much do you want for that pig" !!!

I found something very interesting just the other day at my friends blog. It's called Viral Tag, and my friend over at Mariuca was so kind enough to have invited me to join this train. At first it looked somewhat a complicated mission, but upon closer examination I noticed, hey, this was easy. So anyway, I thought of sharing this whole thing with my readers, that's you.

All you need to do is Copy and Paste, that's it! But before you post it up, change, what is called the 'Host Tag' or another term 'Anchor Text' to a maximum of 3 words that best describes your blog. Next, you add those same description into a new available Viral Tag slot, and you're done. The original matrix (list and explanations) is here.

Remember the whole idea here is to increase the number of links back to your site and vice-versa, thus increasing your authority level at Technorati and so forth. My idea in this whole thing is to be able to have a better page rank and increased number of traffic. This I believe can be achieved through Viral Tag. So what are you waiting for, copy this!

========= Copy and Paste below this line ==========

Instructions:

Important Update - Please read here!

1. Copy and paste the matrix of "ViralTags" below courtesy of Founders Cafe (to support Jimmy's quest of launching his own Internet Startup with a shoestring budget, please consider subscribing to his Full RSS Feed to see his triumphs and struggles in real time).

2. Substitute the Host Tag and one of the "Viral Tags" in the matrix with your anchor text of choice with your blog's URL. Please keep anchor text to a max of 3 words to keep the matrix size manageable.

3. When you get a ping back from someone that has your link in one of their "Viral Tags", practice good karma by copying his/her Host Tag's anchor text (automatically the associated link will also be copied) and paste it over one of your "Viral Tags" below.

4. Encourage and invite your readers to do the same and soon this can grow virally.

Host Tag: Good Jokes

International City Travel Asian Celebrity News One Million Shirts Tech at Hand Rich Minx Internet Marketing Austria Ageless Beauty Web 2.0 Tutorials Technology Music Life infokarir jobs Manila Mom Link Love Blogging Money Secret Internet Startup Blog Web Design Blog Daily Life Technology Make Money Blogging Steve's Tech Blog Agloco Internet Marketing Daily Bulls Investing Tech Gadgets Stocks Affiliate Program Computer Seventy-Five Learn about e-Learning Tech Hack Ramblings Jack Book Screen Writer Guy Overseas Filipino Worker ViralTags Startup Entrepreneur Money ViralTags ViralTags Earn Money Online Really Smart Guy Earn Income Online Day Mind Xpression Entrepreneurship Internet Web Make Money Blogging Create a Blog Pie Hole start a blog Make Money Blogging Marketing Made Simple Tech Startups Web2.0 Music Videos ViralTags Build Rankings Fast Mrs Sparrow Hot Buzz Weight Loss Really Funny Jokes Best of Blogs The Junkie's Wife Internet Marketing German German - USA Domain Development Blogs Sundhed og Helbred Giving Link Love Business Blog Web Photoshop Tutorials Anitokid Chronikos Klapkids Chronikos esofthub's web finds Everything iPod Jason's Random Thoughts Fun Web Development Monetize Your Blog Yung Silent Whisper Stratz's Blog My Journey ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags Blogging for Money Wealth Blog ViralTags Gadgets & Technology Make Money Home ViralTags The Broken Bow ViralTags ViralTags Fanatic Space Cheezmizan with Chuva Catepol Wolly's Weblog Profitable Productive Blogging Cat on my Head Bloggointestinale 2012 Movies iMod Lorad Zarcon Instruzioni Sid05 Weblog Bayle Mario's Weblog Acchiappasogni Dietro e a Casa Make Money Online Anchor Text Alex 2000 My Life Personal Finance Hanneng.net Tech Blog Business Twins Pixie Tail Gold Rushing's Blog Political Social Media Revellian Mariuca Justice Investments Static Thinkbox GoldyWorld Fun Geek Loves Firefox Syafrizal First Time Dad Mariuca's Perfume Gallery Investing Women Online Business Chats Webcomic Artist Anything Goes! Anything and Everything A Great Pleasure Terrible Horrible Evil Russian Jokes Videos Personal Development Blog Paid To Blog Jehzlau Concepts Nonsense & Tears Time Clock Software SEO Blog Yummy Silicon Chips Brainybimbo Nessa-Mumblings Caribbean Travel Blog I Am Balong Affordable Graphic Design Technology For Humans Make Money Blog Social Media Munching Taste Like Chicken Make Money Online Kev-walkabout Life's Daily MSU Spartan Sports Travel Vacation Yoga For Health Good Jokes Money Stocks HD Webtools The Third Eye Earn Money on Internet Truth and Opinion Ngadutrafik 2007 Butterfly Feelings Sexy Celebrity TechCruser Huma B~Post ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags ViralTags

Important: Once I get a ping back from you (I promise to do the best I can), I will add your anchor text and the associated link you designate as "Host Tag" here, replacing one of the "ViralTags" from the matrix above. As more and more bloggers copy and paste this matrix, the more backlinks you will have with your anchor text. If everybody who copy and paste from your blog does the same, pretty soon this will spread and go viral. So, the sooner you participate, the more links with anchor text you will receive.
======== Copy and Paste from Above this line ========

So, that's basically it. This whole train should help you increase your Technorati ranking, SERP and finally your Google PR. And if you have copied this matrix from this page, please leave me a comment, so that I can add you, just in case if your ping doesn't reach my side. Because in certain situations Technorati might take a while to ping back.

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a moment and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "If you ask me , I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Two blonde's were on a plane on a long distance flight. Halfway in the air, the captain announced, "If you look out of the plane on your right, you will see that we have lost an engine, but not to worry, we still can make it safely to our destination with three engines. However, we'll be two hours late."

Later, the captain announced that they had lost another engine. "But don't worry, we'll be able to make it with two engines. However we'll be four hours late," he said.

Then again, the captain came on to announce that they had lost yet another engine. "But don't worry, we'll still be able to make it with a single engine. However we'll be six hours late," he said.

Then one blonde said to the other, "I hope they don't lose another engine or we'll be up here all day."

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says , "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then." And the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum, then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then." And the man leaves.

The Scotsman that is still sitting at the bar, gets an idea after seeing all this. He walks up to the bar and orders a shot of rum. He drinks it and then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey, where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks for a moment...... and then immediately lifts his kilt and says, "Secret Service"

A rabbit was riding a motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocked on the window.

The driver of the car opened the window and asked, "Yes?"

The rabbit said, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver answered, "No, I haven't"

The rabbit rode on, until he saw the next car ahead of him. While passing it, he knocked on the window and when the driver opened the window, it asked, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver answered, "No, I haven't"

Then suddenly there was a curve on the road. The rabbit saw it too late and trying desperately to negotiate the bend, he skidded, crashed the barrier and landed on a ditch. A car stopped and a man ran to the unlucky rabbit.

Covered in blood and grimacing in pain, the rabbit asked him, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" the man answered, "Yes, I have. I had a Honda for twenty years."

And the rabbit asked, ....... "Where are the brakes?"

This man, very often came home late in the middle of the night totally drunk, and his wife would be waiting for him at the hall and let go her tirades.

But, in spite of her naggings, there was no change in his behaviour. Then she read in the advice column about using a different approach.

So one late night, instead of letting go at her husband, she said, "Would you like to go upstairs and make love to me?"

He answered, "Might as well. My wife is already pissed at me for being late."

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned home to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, ... "I thought he was dead."

How to recruit the right person for the job ?

1. Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
2. Then send 2 or 3 candidates into that room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them, put them in Accounting.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in a some strange order, put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resource.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have left for the day, put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved .......... Congratulate them, and put them in Top Management !

A rich forty year old man had a heart attack and had to undergo surgery. While he was on the operating table, he saw God. So he said, "Is this it?" and God said, "No," and explained that he still had another 10-20 years more to live.

So while he was in the hospital he decided that since he had only 10-20 years more, he might as well make the best of it. So he decided to have a tummy tuck, plastic surgery, nose implant, etc. He even had his favourite hair stylist come in and change his hair colour.

As he was leaving the hospital, he was run over and killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.

When he got to heaven, he said to God, "I thought you said I had another 10-20 years to live?" God then replied, "Well, I didn't recognize you."

I had people just falling off their seats with laughter by watching this video. Catherine Tate is at her best here as being "The Translator". Watch and enjoy.

A man dialed his home phone number from work. A strange woman answered the phone.

Man : "Who is this?"
Woman : "This is the maid."
Man : "We don't have a maid!"
Woman : "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
Man : "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
Woman : "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

(The man was shocked and furious.)

Man : "Listen, would like to make $50,000?"
Woman : "What do I have to do?"
Man : "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the hall and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

(The woman puts down the phone and the man could hear footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshot's. A while later the woman came back to the phone.)

Woman : "What should I do with the bodies?"
Man : "Just throw them in the swimming pool!"
Woman : "Swimming pool? There's no pool."

(Long pause)

Man : "Uh ..... is this 873 - 6833 ??"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman said, "Wow ! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back. "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus ! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah ...... My wife!"

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around his shop and answered, "In two hours." The man quickly departed.

The next day, he turned up again, stuck his head into the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around his shop, counted the customers he had and answered, "In about two hours." The man quickly left without saying a word.

On the third day, the guy again came into the barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" This time the barber answered, "In half an hour." The man then hurriedly left the shop.

By now the barber was very inquisitive, so he asked his assistant to tend the shop while he secretly followed the man to see where he was going.

He was shocked to see the man going straight for his house. The man nervously looked left and right while he pressed the bell. Hiding in a corner, the barber saw his wife open the door and heard the man say, "Quick, we only have thirty minutes."

A small boy was with his grandfather in the garden when a worm wriggled out from a hole. He told the old man, "I bet you, I can put the worm back into that hole."

"No, you will not be able to do that. The worm is too wriggly and limp," he answered.

The boy ran into the house and came out with a can of hair spray. He hastily sprayed the worm with the chemicals from the can and it became straight and stiff as a board.

The grandfather gave the boy $5. He then took the spray and went into the house. Half an hour later he came out and gave the boy another $5.

The boy said, "But grandpa, you had already paid me."

The grandfather replied, "No, this $5 is from your grandma."

Two men were at a bar. Halfway through the night, the jovial bartender announced a special competition for his customers. The competition would be to guess a number between 1 - 10.

"What do I do?" asked one man.

"You just guess any number between 1 - 10."

"And what is the prize?" asked the man.

"Free sex," said the bartender.

"Okay, let me try," said the man.

"Go ahead, think of a number." the bartender said.

"Two" the man said.

"No, I'm sorry, the answer is three."

The following week the other man tried his luck in this competition.
"Think of a number" said the bartender.
"Eight," the man said.
"No, I'm sorry. The correct answer is nine."

Walking back, one man said to the other, "I have a feeling the competition is rigged." "No way," the other man answered. "My wife has won twice."

A man had a mistress. She had always liked his beard but one evening she decided that it would be nicer if he changed his appearance. The man said no, he would not want to shave because his wife liked the beard very much.

The mistress begged and pleaded, so he finally shaved.

When he reached home, it was already past midnight and his wife was already asleep. He tiptoed into the darkened bedroom and got onto bed.

His wife turned around, felt the smooth face next to hers and said, "Oh, John you shouldn't have come. My husband will be home soon."

The old man lay dying on his bed. Even in that moment he could not help but continue to hold doubts over the fact that he had three beautiful daughters and an ugly son.

He told his wife, "I can't help but notice all these years that our son looks very different from our daughters. I had refrained from asking you this, but do tell me now, have you been playing around behind my back?"

The wife replied, "My dearest, I swear on my mother's grave, that you are the father."

Contended the old man died happy and peaceful.

The wife muttered under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." !!!

The boss of a small manufacturing company saw that one of his men was feeling rather low. He gave him a piece of advice, "When I feel depressed, I head for home and get pampered by my wife. It does me wonders"

The man was absent from work after the lunch break, and so on the following morning, the boss wanted to know where he went.

"I took your advice, boss" he began. The boss asked, "And do you feel better now?"

"Yes, I feel much better now. By the way, you have a very nice house."

One day a young lady clutched a newborn baby and approached the butcher at the market stall saying that what she held in her arms was a product of their liaison. The butcher accepted responsibility and grudgingly agreed to provide for the child until he turned sixteen.

And so each week, meat on the dinner table was provided by the butcher. Then came the day when the boy turned sixteen. The boy was at the butcher's to collect the meat for the last time. The butcher cut a bigger slice of the choicest meat and told the boy, "Tell your mother that this is going to be the last piece of meat from me. Go watch the expression on her face."

When the boy told his mother what the butcher had said, she told him, "Well, tell him that we have also free bread and free milk from the grocery for the past sixteen years. Go watch the expression on his face."

A priest went to a barber shop to have his hair cut. When he took out his wallet to pay the barber, the barber refused to accept the money, saying, "You are a good man; you do the work of God. I cannot accept your money." The next morning, when he opened his shop and there on the steps were twelve copies of the bible, compliments from the priest.

Later in the day, a policeman came in to have his hair cut. The barber refused to accept payment, saying, "You are a good man; you uphold the law and make our streets safe. I cannot accept your money." The next morning, when he opened his shop and there on the steps were twelve doughnuts, compliments from the policeman.

Later in the day, a lawyer came in to have his hair cut. The barber refused to accept payment, saying, "You are a good man; you see that our judicial system runs smoothly. I cannot accept your payment." The next morning, the barber opened his shop and found .... twelve lawyer's waiting in line !!

In the world today, Jokes have been recognised to add sparks to otherwise dull occasions like in some lifeless parties. What I hope to share through my Joke Blog is an array of jokes that I've collected over the years. No doubt some names, character's and incidents, however, may seem remotely familiar but any resemblance is purely coincidental.

I hope that you would find something amusing here and you could memorise it and retell these jokes and who knows, be the live-wire for the day (or night)! But remember, different styles of telling the jokes may solicit different responses. However, be warned that most of these jokes here at the Joke Blog, are for adults and should not be retold in front of an immature audience.

Please keep a bookmark of my blog and hope to see you more often and you could even share some of your jokes if you like, by sending me an email.